Jokes

A Primary school teacher was preparing the class for their annual concert. The children were going to sing songs, recite poetry, and play musical instruments. Little Callum had just arrived after having a day in the country, and the teacher asked him if he would do some farmyard impressions.

On the night of the concert, Callum nervously walked on stage.
"Farmyard noises" he announced. Then cupping his hands to his mouth, he yelled at the top of his voice:
"Get off that f**king tractor! Shut the f**king gate! Get that f**king calf out of the yard...!"

A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."


One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

A young couple were about to have their first night of wedded bliss.
They undressed each other tentatively, he admiring her gorgeous body, and she his fine physique. When she removed the last item of clothing which was his sock, she saw that he only had two toes on his left foot.

Shocked at this terrible deformity, she ran sobbing into the night back to her mothers.

"I told you what to expect" said her mother. "I've given you good sex education. So what's the problem?"

"It's not that" she cried. "When we stripped off, he only had three quarters of a foot."

"Oh!" said the mother. "Why don't you finish washing the dishes and go off to bed. I'll be back in the morning."

A ship was slowly sinking, and one male passenger remained on the deck praying. A lifeboat came past. "Quick! Jump in!" cried the boatman.
"No thanks, I have faith in the lord. God will save me."

The ship sank lower and still the passenger continued to pray. Then a helicopter appeared above him. "Grab the rope!" called the pilot.
"No thanks, I have faith in the lord. God will save me."

The ship sank lower still, and the passenger still continued praying. Then a speedboat pulled alongside. "Quick! Jump in before it's too late." cried the driver. "No thanks, I have trust in the lord. God will save me."

The ship eventually sank and the passenger drowned.
When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, he asked St Peter if he could use the intercom to speak to God. "Lord" he said, I trusted you all my life, but you let me drown. I just can't believe it."

"You can't believe it?" boomed God. "I sent you two f**king boats and a chopper, you ungrateful swine!"

Is it coincidental that 99.9% of the people that watch Jeremy Kyle should be on the show.....or even better, get a fucking job!!!


If you're betting on the Grand National don't bet on the horse where Katie Price is the jockey...
She only rides losers....


I've just written a guide for people on how to improve their lives through DIY.
It's a shelf help book...


I heard people in my shed in the early hours of the morning and rang the police. They told me no one was available and they would send someone as soon as they could.
I rang them back a bit later and told them not to bother as I had shot them and within minutes police cars, armed response units and even a helicopter was on the scene. They caught them red handed.
"I thought you said you had shot them" Said the lead officer."
"I thought you said you had no one available" I replied.

A new English teacher was taking her first junior class.
"Give me a word beginning with A" she asked.
"Arseholes! said Jimmy proudly.
Ignoring his remark, she continued. "Now a word beginning with B"
"Bastard" came the answer from Freddy.
She gave C a miss and moved on to D.
"Dwarf" said Peter.
With a sigh of relief she asked Peter to explain what a dwarf was.
"A little bastard about 30cm tall" he replied.

Fortunately the penis is one of the few things still exempt from taxation. The reason is because it's usually hanging around unemployed. The rest of the time, it's either hard up, pissed off or in a hole. It also has two dependants and they're both nuts and it's best friend is a c**t.

A bloke's wife was running a temperature, so he phoned the doctor, who asked: "Is she hot?" The Bloke replied "Well. with a little make-up and a short skirt..."

Did you hear about the man who supplied drugs to seabirds?
He left no tern unstoned.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

Boy: "Can I have your daughter's hand?
Girl's father: "Why not? You've had the rest of her"

It was Disabled Day at the golf club, and they were playing mixed foursomes. Bill's partner hadn't turned up so he wandered through the clubhouse looking for a partner. There, sitting in the coffee lounge was a beautiful blonde. Bill had the hot's for her straight away and feeling confidant, approached her and asked her if she fancied making up the partnership. "I would love too" she replied.

Feeling elated and upbeat, Bill placed his ball down on the first tee and hit an immaculate drive down the middle of the fairway.
"Great shot, considering you're disabled. What's you're problem if you don't mind me asking" she said.

"Not at all" said Bill, and he removed his jacket and screwed off a false arm. "Oh you poor man" said the blonde. On the next hole she noticed that Bill was favouring his left leg.

What's the problem?" she asked. "It's my false leg it's chaffing a little
I need to unscrew it and put some balm on it" "Oh you poor man" she replied.

On the third hole, Bill hit a bad hook into the rough, and they both went in to try and find the ball. Some 10 minutes later, one of the other group members of the foursome, headed into the rough to try and see what was keeping them. When he returned, his partner asked him where they were and he replied:
"They're ok, Bill's in there screwing his heart out."

Dan and Mick were standing at the urinal together. Dan peered over at Mick and noticed how well endowed he was.

"Gee that's a beauty" Dan remarked.
"Not bad is it" replied Mick. "but it wasn't always as big as this. I had a transplant done a couple of years ago by a cosmetic surgeon. It cost £1,000."

Dan was envious and asked for the surgeons address. Twelve months later, Dan bumped into Mick and could hardly wait to tell him that he'd had a penis transplant too, and was thrilled with the result.

"And what's more" said Dan, "I got mine for only £500.
Mick was shocked, and felt he'd been ripped off. He asked Dan if he could take a look. Dan dropped his trousers and pants, and Mick studied the transplant. He looked up and smiled.

"No wonder it was only £500" he said, "that's my old one."

An old couple were sitting in their rocking chairs outside their retirement home. They had had designs on each other for some time. He looked over and said to her: "F**k you." and she looked back wistfully and: "F**k you too."

Then they rocked away for another thirty minutes and he then looked over to her and said disappointedly: "I don't think much of this oral sex, do you?"


Two American astronomers are visiting a French observatory.
One asks: "Comet Halley view?"

A recent survey shows six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.

Statistics are like mini-skirts. They give you ideas but hide the most important thing.