Jokes

An animal rights activist walks into a pet shop and puts a bomb on the counter. He says: "You've got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!" A tortoise at the back shouts, "You bastard."

What do you call a prostitute on amphetamines? A speed hump.

A elderly woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record, and there's a teenage boy serving behind the counter.
" Excuse me sonny, but do you have "Jingle Bells" on a seven inch.
He replies: "No but I've got dangling balls on a nine inch"
"That's not a record though, is it?"
"No, but it's pretty good for a 16 year old."

A man arrives home so drunk that his wife attacks him with a broom. He turns to her and asks: " Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere."

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old hillbilly Zeke took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to pee properly. "Now you lissen good Jim Bob, cuz here's watcha gotta do."

"One: Take out your penie-pipe"
"Two: Pull back the foreskin"
"Three: Pee"
"Four: Push back your foreskin."
"Five: Put your equipment back."

Jim Bob said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Zeke's wife came running over.

"Oh Zeke, Zeke, come quick! Jim Bob went ta piss an won't come out of the outhouse!"
"Tarnation, whut's he doin in there?" Zeke said.
"I dunno. He juss keeps sayin, Two-four, two-four, two-four..."

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Julius Caesar is addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans, and countrymen. I have returned from my campaign in France where I killed 50,000 Gauls!" The crowd rises to it's feet cheering "Hail mighty Caesar!". At this Brutus jumps up and yells:
"Caesar lies. I've discovered he only killed 25,000!" Caesar replies:
"Yes, but remember that away Gauls count double in Europe."

The crap spread in the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at the other day. I told them:
"I can't bereave it's not butter!"

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs. "Not on her best day," he replied. "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" "No, she's broke." "Well, then, is it sex?" "Nobody does it like you, babe." "Then what can she do that I can't?" "...Sue me for child support."


The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise. Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D." She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck." She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C." Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?" The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin." Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B." "B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma. The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed." "Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful." Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she said, "F.U.C.K" Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. First U Could Knock!"

The quiet serene routine of a convent was being disrupted by a gang of workmen installing underground cables. Eventually the Mother Superior felt the need to complain to the men's supervisor.

"There is too much bad language and profanity. It is inappropriate for our community. Can you please stop them?"

"I'll do my best Sister, promised the supervisor, but you have to remember that it is in their nature to call a spade a spade."

The Mother Superior said: "I think the term they actually use is f**king shovel."

An Irish Priest was openly hostile towards the English. He would regularly tell his congregation: "If you do not lead a better life, you will all go to hell along with the English."

When news of these rants reached the bishop's ears, he warned the priest that he would be transferred or even defrocked if he did not end his ways. The priest promised to be more diplomatic in the future.

For his next sermon, the priest told the story of the betrayal of Jesus.
"And Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said, "Tonight one of you will betray me." Peter said, "It is not I master." Jesus looked at Judas. Feeling the steady gaze of the Lord upon him, Judas said, Blimey, guv'nor, ya don't fink it's me do ya?"

Billy-Bob was riding in Ezra's truck. Suddenly Ezra pulled over, got out pointed to a field and said misty eyed: "That's where I first had sex."
"How was it?" asked Billy-Bob.
"Great" replied Ezra. "Until I looked up and saw her mom watching."
"Holy Shit! What did she say?"
"Baaaa."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

A hunter decides to buy a new scope for his rifle, and goes into his nearest gun shop looking for a top of the range make. The assistant reaches into the display cabinet brings out a scope and says:

"This is the very best scope money can buy. In fact you can see my house way up yonder on that hill from here with it."

The hunter takes the scope, has a look and finds the assistant true to his word, but then he begins to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" asks the assistant.
"I see a naked man and woman running around in the house" he replies.

The assistant snatches back the scope, has a look himself and begins to fume. He then hands two bullets to the hunter and says:
"Listen, I'll give you the scope for free if you can shoot my wife's head off, and then the bloke's dick."

The hunter looks through the scope again and says:
"You know what? I think I can do that with just one shot."