Jokes

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."


Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

"Bloody hell Yoda!" What is that aftershave you're wearing? asked Senator Palpatine. "It really stinks!"
"Birthday gift off a young Padowan it was" replied the Jedi Master.
"Anyway smells better than yours it does!"
And so started "The Cologne Wars."

I saw a guy stacking shelves in Tesco's complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.
I think he had Wrecked Aisle Dysfunction."

The worst Pub I've been to was called The Fiddle.
My god, it a was a vile inn.

Was going to start a thread about vomiting...would that be sick...

I was standing outside the pub when a woman walked over to me.
"Am I supposed to meet you here? I'm from 'match.com'." she said.
"That's bloody amazing." I replied, pulling out my cigarettes. "I've just lost my lighter."


I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipad's I've won & the number of ipad's I own.....


The English Premier League have chosen Hawk Eye as their provider of goal line technology. The rest of The Avengers are reported to be gutted...

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell, It's worth one hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well, ... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Two guys are arguing in a nightclub queue.
One guy pushes the other and says: "Four, Nine"
The other guy pushes him back and says: "Sixteen, Twenty-Five."
The Bouncer reaches for his walkie-talkie and says:
"I need some help at the door, we've got a couple of guys squaring up"

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

A honeymoon should be like a table - four bare legs and no drawers.

I bought myself some new fluorescent pens today.
That was the highlight of my week...


Two dwarves decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!


A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said "Honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "Honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

A drunk shambled into a diner and ordered a couple of eggs. The waiter fearing that they had run out, went into the kitchen to check with the chef.
"Have we got anymore eggs left? he asked.
"I'm right out of fresh eggs. There's just two rotten eggs left.
"That's ok" said the waiter. Give him the rotten eggs. He's so drunk he won't know the difference."

So the chef scrambled the rotten eggs, heaped on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk was so hungry he wolfed the meal down without saying a word.

When he went to pay, he said to the cashier: "Where did you get those eggs?"
"We have our own chicken farm" she replied.
"Do you have a rooster?" asked the drunk.
"No" she said,
"Well you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.
No more mist and ice guy.

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths.

There's a new sex position apparently called "The Tolkien."
She bends over, and you take over 9 hours to destroy her ring!

Did you hear about the group of journalists who formed a clothing- optional track club? There motto was "All the Nudes That's Fit to Sprint."