Jokes

A lion is roaming the jungle looking for his next meal. He comes across two men, one sitting under a tree reading a book and the other typing away at his typewriter. The lion quickly pounces on the man reading the book and eats him - because even the King of the Jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A wife tries to explain the purchase of a set of expensive underwear to her husband. "After all dear" she says. "You wouldn't expect to find perfume in a cheap bottle would you?"
"No" replies her husband. "And I wouldn't expect to find gift-wrapping on a dead beaver."

Two married guys are out drinking. One says to the other:
"I can never sneak into the house after I've been out all night. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep up the stairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."

His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's arse and say "How about a blow job?" and she always pretends she's asleep."

A man goes into a chemist and nervously asks the woman at the counter if he can speak with a male pharmacist.
"I'm sorry sir but my sister and I own this shop and there are no male pharmacists here. I'm sure we could help you though"
"Well it's a male problem and I'm very embarrassed" says the man,
The woman says" sir we are discreet in our line of work I assure you, how can we help you?"
"Well",says the man, "I've a permanent erection, can you do anything for me?"
"Wait one moment sir while I discuss this with my sister",says the female pharmacist.
On returning, the man nervously asks "Well what can you give me for it?"
The woman replies "How about a 1/3 share in the business and £2000 a month!"

A barman notices a group of beautiful women walk into a bar accompanied by the ugliest man he has ever seen. As the night progresses he notices the ugly bloke is the centre of attention and realises that the beautiful women are the ones buying him the drinks.
Curiosity gets the better of the barman so he slides up to the ugly man and says,
"Pardon me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I can't help but notice that these women, well....they pamper you, they surround you and well they keep buying all the drinks...yet if I'm being honest you are not the most handsome of men, in fact you are bone ugly. Tell me sir, what is your secret?"
The man looks at the barman, licks his eyebrows and says "I haven't a clue"

A man is sat outside a bar enjoying his drink, when a nun comes along and starts lecturing him on the evils of booze. The man argues back and it turns out that the nun has never had a drink of alcohol in her life.

"Tell you what" says the man. "I'll buy you some alcohol, you drink it, and tell me what you think."
"Out of the question" replies the nun. "I could never be seen to be drinking in public. But I suppose if you put the liquid in a coffee cup I might have a sip."

The man agrees, goes inside and orders a double brandy in a coffee cup. "Oh no" says the barman. "It's not that bloody nun again is it?"

Alan and Mick are at work in the timber yard when Alan accidentally chops his arm off while using a band saw. Mick wraps the arm in a plastic bag and takes Alan to a surgeon. Four hours later Mick is amazed to see Alan throwing darts in the pub.

"Wow" thinks Mick. "That surgeon is fantastic." A few weeks later Mick accidentally cuts his leg off. Alan puts the leg in a plastic bag and takes Mick to the surgeon. That evening Alan's amazed to see Mick playing football. "My word" thinks Alan. "That surgeon is a miracle worker."

Another few weeks pass when Mick trips up and goes flying straight underneath the band saw, decapitating him. Alan puts his head in a plastic bag and carries him to the surgeon.

Next day the surgeon calls Alan and says: "I'm sorry, but Mick is dead." "Don't blame yourself" says Alan. "I'm sure you did all you could."

"I'm not blaming myself" said the surgeon. "I'm blaming you. If you'd put some holes in that plastic bag the poor bastard wouldn't have suffocated!"

A man is in the back of his car having sex with a woman he picked up in a bar. The woman is insatiable and keeps demanding more.
Finally the man has to have a break and steps out to have a cigarette.

He then spots a guy nearby struggling to change the tyre on his van. He walks over to the guy and says: "I've got a really hot date in my car and I can't keep up with her. If I change your tyre will you go in there and have sex with her, while I get my breath back. It's so dark in their so she won't know the difference."

The guy agrees and jumps in the back of the car, which is soon rocking away with their sexual urgings. A passing policeman spots this and shines a torch in the back of the car.

"What's going on in there?" he asks.
"I've having sex with my wife" the guy replies.
"Why can't you do that at home?"
"Because I didn't realise it was my wife till you shone that torch in her face."

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ’Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’ " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said ’Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’ "? Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I’m gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

A boss is forced to cut back on staff and decides it has to be one of two employees, Jack or Jill. He decides on a plan. He watches Jack closely for one day and sees how he comes in early, works hard, skips lunch, and leaves late.

Next day he watches Jill. She comes in late, pops out to buy some aspirin, has an extra long coffee break, takes some aspirin, leaves early for lunch, and stays out till three. He is not impressed. He calls Jill into his office and says: "Jill, I'm afraid I have to either lay you or Jack off." To which Jill Replies: "Well you're going to have to Jack off, because I have a headache!"

Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?" "Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose. "Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand. Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border. Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?" "Sand," says Jose. A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border. For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?" Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."