Jokes

Three nuns were killed in a car crash. They went to heaven, only to find a sign on the gates which said, "Sorry - closed for rebuilding."
Unsure of what to do next, they knocked on the gates and St Peter answered. "What are you doing here? We're closed till Monday"
"But what are we supposed to do till then?" asked the nuns.

"I'll tell you what" replied St Peter. "What I'm going to do is send you back to earth for the weekend as whoever you want to be, and then we'll accept you into heaven in a few days time. How's that for a deal?"

"Ok" said the nuns, all nodding in agreement.
"Ok, who do you want to be?" St Peter asked the first nun.
"I'd like to be Mother Teresa because she led such a selfless, devoted life"
The second nun said, "I'd like to be Joan Of Arc as she was a martyr and an inspiration to so many.
The third nun said, "I'd like to be Alice Kapipelean"
St Peter looked bemused, "Who?"
"Alice Kapipelean" the nun replied.
"I'm sorry sister, but there is no record of any Alice Kapipelean having lived on earth.
"That's where you're wrong" said the nun, producing a newspaper clippling. "Here read this. There's your proof."
St Peter looked over the clipping and said: "No, no, sister. You've misread it. The article says the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

A father catches his 8 year old son about to steal a biscuit from the jar. "Oi I wouldn't do that if I were you" he shouted.
The son replied: "I know I shouldn't, but you put your willy into Auntie Brenda while Mummy's at work!"
"There's some chocolate ones in the fridge" the father replied.

A little boy asks his Dad: "What's between mum's legs?"
His father says: "Paradise my son"
"What's between your legs dad?" he asks.
"The key to paradise" the father replies.
"A piece of advice" the son says. "Change the lock, the c**t next door has a spare key."

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.


Q: Why are men like coffee? A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!


This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Terrible, doctor, terrible." "Did it not work?" "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

A hotel porter looked through the keyhole of the honeymoon suite and shouted "Wowie!" A maid heard him and pushed him out of the way for a look. She gasped, "Oh my God!"
Just then the Hotel Manager walked down the hall and moved the maid out of the way. He took a look and said:
"I can't believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night!"

Starbucks have announced they are introducing a new coffee. It's called Osama Bin Latte - dark bodied with a white frothy head and two shots in it.

Parallel park epic fail! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf4TIWECZ30

The year's new intake of novice nuns were having their initial medical from the convent doctor, when he noticed something different about one of the older girls. He immediately went to the Mother Superior and told her: "Mother Superior, you have amongst the new girls one with an incredible rare deformity: she has been blessed with two vaginas."

"Good gracious" exclaimed the MS, will she be able to lead normal life.

"Of course" replied the doctor. Especially as she is to be a nun, no one will ever notice. However, I should like very much if you would allow me to consult with my colleagues and ask them to come and look at her." "Of course you may" replied the MS.

Two weeks later, the convent doctor returned with his colleagues and asked to see the afflicted nun. "I'm afraid you can't" said the MS.
"We had to get rid of her."
"But Why?" asked the doctor.
"Because we just couldn't stand her holier-than-thou attitude."

Having sex with your wife when you're over fifty is like being a National Trust Member....You're allowed to enter the old relic for free, but you hardly ever do.

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a rodger. I was scrambling out of my jeans, when she explained she wanted someone to help pay the rent!.

The chairman of the Dyslexic Society has been given an OBE. He said: "What's the point? I can't even play the bloody thing!"

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

A nun was out fishing in the convent grounds, and she managed to catch a huge fish for supper that night. A man was walking by and said "Wow, what a goddamn fish!" The nun replied:
"Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that, I'm a nun!"
"I do apologize, but that's the name of it sister: A goddamn fish."

She walked back to the convent, and found the Mother Superior.
"Mother Superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught."
"Sister, you shouldn't talk like that." she replied.
"But Mother Superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it" she said.

While she was cleaning the fish, the Monsignor walked in and she said: "Monsignor, look at the goddamn fish that Sister caught."
The Monsignor said: "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"
"But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish, Monsignor"
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it" he replied.

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said: "Wow what a nice fish" The sister said, "I caught the goddamn fish." And the Mother Superior said: "I cleaned the goddamn fish."
And the Monsignor said: "I cooked the goddamn fish."
And the new priest said: "I love this f**king place already!"