Jokes

A ghost singing broadway hits has been spotted on the set of a famous US chat show. It's believed to be the Phantom of the Oprah.

I was reading the legend of the small Dutch boy who saved Holland from flooding, by sticking his finger in a dyke.
She must have been one hell of a squirter!

Hurricane Sandy, the biggest blow job in the USA since Bill Clinton said to hard of hearing intern Monica Lewinsky: "I'd like you to hold my calls and sack my cook."

Met Al Pacino's brother over the weekend - Cap Pacino.
He wasn't my cup of tea though.

As a truck driver came over a steep hill, he spotted two figures in the middle of the road humping away. The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple kept on making love despite his warnings.

The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. The driver jumped from his cab and shouted: "Are you crazy? you could have been killed!"

The man scrambled to his feet and said: "Well I was coming, she was coming, and you were the only one with brakes.

Teacher asked, Why is your cat with you in school? Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!"


A guy is in a bar having a quiet drink by himself when a young beautiful blonde lady walks up to him and asks him to buy her a drink. The guy turns and says to her "Have you ever had a BUDGIE sit on your right shoulder?" Blonde says "NO!" Guy says "Have you ever had a PARROT sit on your left shoulder?" Blonde says "NO!" Guy then says, "Aah but I bet you've had a Cock,or,too (cockatoo) in your Mouth."

I saw a movie about a guy who experienced amazing revelations while eating his cereal. It was called Breakfast Epiphanies.

Have you seen the redneck version of Star Wars? it ends with the line: "Luke, I am your father....and your uncle"

A man made a video starring his hard of hearing six foot girlfriend.
It was his first movie in high deaf.

An old married couple were on holiday in Morocco. They were walking through a street bazaar, when a trader beckoned them to enter his shop. Once inside the trader said:
"I have something special for you lovely couple. It's a pair of magic sandals. They make you wild at sex like a desert stallion camel."
The wife was very intrigued and wanted to purchase them, but the husband was sceptical. "How can sandals make you a sex stallion?" he asked.

The trader replied: "Please sir, try them on and you will see for yourself." After much badgering from his wife, he relented and slipped them on his feet. His body started to tingle, he got a wild look in his eyes, and he felt full of raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, he rushed over at the trader, threw him on a table, and started tearing at his trousers. The trader screamed:
"Stop, Stop, Please!, You have them on the wrong feet!"

A woman knocks on a mans door saying she has lost her dog.
"If you help me find it" she says seductively, "I will let you bang my pussy all night" in gratitude.
"What does it look like?" he asks.
"It's a big black fluffy thing" she replies.
"No thanks love, I'll give it a miss!"

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands a box of nails to the receptionist and says: "Hi, can you put me up for the night."

Two guys are looking in a clothes shop window. One points to a shirt and says: "That's the one I'd get." At which point a Cyclops appears and beats the crap out of him.

Q: What's the difference between eating p***y and driving in the fog?
A: When you're driving in the fog, you can't see the a**hole in front of you.


What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl?

A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed.
A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.


Q: What two men's hobbies require the most hand-eye coordination?

A: Video games and porn.

Two gardeners are chatting on their allotments. The first one says:
"You know it's good for plants if you talk to them nicely."
The second one replies: "Is that right, well I'll go over and tell the weeds on my patch, what a great bunch of ugly c**ts they are."

I was watching the third Batman film again. I got halfway through and went to the toilet and found afterwards it wouldn't flush. It was a case of "The Dark Shite Rises."

Another Star Wars film is in the pipeline, concentrating on over 90mins of Yoda's dialogue.
Crazy those writers will go.

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place. First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'"

A woman had gone a long time without so much as the hope of a relationship. When she eventually picked up a great looking guy and went out with him, her girlfriends were eager to know how it went.

"What's he like?" they asked.
"Oh, he's fine I guess. He's a musician you know."
"Did he have class?"
"Well, most of the time, yes. But I don't think I'll be going out with him again."
"Oh, why not?"
"Well, he plays the French horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!"