Jokes

A woman appeared as a contestant on a TV game show and did so well she was in line to win the £10,000 pound jackpot if she could answer the following nights question correctly.

She was a bundle of nerves, but while her husband was out, he had sneaked into the TV studio and found the question, and he rushed home to tell his wife.

"Guess what" he said. "I've found the question you'll have to answer tomorrow night. It is "What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?" And the answer is: "The head, the heart, and the penis."
All you have to do is say that and we've won £10,000 pounds! So remember:head, heart, penis."

That night she couldn't sleep, trying to remember the answer. She woke her husband several times who kept telling her: Head, heart, penis. This carried on throughout the day, with her husband constantly telling her the three key words to say.

As she walked on the studio floor, her legs were like jelly. She managed to calm herself as the quiz master asked her:
"For £10,000 pounds, what are the three main parts of the of the male anatomy? You have 15 seconds to answer."
"Er, the head"
"Very good. ten seconds."
"Um, the heart"
"Excellent. Six seconds.
"Oh, er, oh, drat. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning...."
"That's close enough! You've won £10,000 pounds!"

A blonde hailed a passing policeman to report that thieves had been in her car. "Officer" she cried, "they've stolen the steering wheel, the dashboard, the brake pedal. even the accelerator. "
"Madam" the officer replied. "You do realise you're sat in the back seat!"

Two men chatting in a hotel foyer were comparing notes after their respective wedding nights.
"How's your wife?" the first one asked.
"She's lying on the bed smoking."
"Jesus! Mine only got a bit sore."

A retired priest was called to duty while the regular parish priest was off sick. During confession, he heard one of the parishioners confess to sodomy. Unable to remember the proper penance, he asked an altar boy: "What does Father McDougall give for sodomy?"
The boy replied: " He usually gives us a candy bar and a coke."

What do you call a street magician, who lines up women, blindfolds them, then rubs their pussies before disappearing?
David Cop A Feel.

A Bloke was having anal sex with his wife, when he noticed pieces of kitchen roll stuck to her ring piece. "F**king Charmin" he thought.

What do you call a woman who waxes her arse? Anita Harris.

Mr and Mrs Jones were desperate to start a family, but after trying for several years they became convinced that it was not meant to happen. So, as a last resort they decided to employ the services of a proxy father whom they had never met. On the morning that the sperm donor was due to call, Mr Jones set off for work as usual, and wished his wife good luck. She wasn't looking forward to it.

As chance would have it, that same morning a travelling baby photographer was also in the area and called at Mrs Jones house. She answered the door expecting the sperm donor.

"Good morning madam, he said. "You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Yes I know" she interrupted. "There's no need to explain. Come in I've been expecting you."
"Really?" he said, thinking that his advertising must have paid off. "I must say I have made a speciality of babies."
"That's what my husband and I were hoping, So where do we start?"
"Well, I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. That seems to work for me."
"No wonder we haven't had much luck..."
"If we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I do hope so" she said nervously. "Can we get this over with quickly?"
"In my line of work, I have to take my time. It's no good rushing things. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I think you'd be disappointed with that."
"That's true" she replied.
The photographer opened his briefcase and took out a portfolio of baby photos. "This one was done on top of a bus"
"Oh my" she exclaimed. "And these twins turned our really well, considering the fact the mum was difficult to work with."
"In what way, was she difficult?" she asked.
"She insisted we go outdoors, so we went over to Hyde Park to get the job done properly. People were crowding four deep to watch. It took over three hours in all. It was so exhausting."
By now Mrs Jones was really nervous.
"Right he said. "I'll just get my tripod."
"Tripod?"
"Yes I need a tripod on which to rest my Canon."
At that point Mrs Jones fainted,

Several weeks after being hired, a young man was called into his bosses office. "When you applied for this job, you said you had a degree in English Language at Oxford, plus five years experience in this line of work. Now we discover you have no qualifications whatsoever and that this is your first job of any kind. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Well, your ad said you wanted someone with imagination!"


A woman at work asked me what my ring tone was.
"Light Brown, like everyone else's" I replied.
Woman are a lot more forward than they used to be nowadays.


Matt Damon is to portray Oscar Wilde in his next movie.
The director said he was perfect for the role, as he had been "Bourne" to play him.

What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I?
............Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket while buying tampons.
I thought to myself, she must be going through a tough period in her life.

A bloke is sat at the bar when an overweight girl walks over.
"Hey stud, you got a name?" she purred.
"Mick" he replies. "But everyone calls me cake."
"Wow! nice nickname. Is that because you're so sweet" she giggles.
"No" he replies. "It's because when I'm out every fat c**t tries to get their hands on me."

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: One, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

There are rumours going around that Fergie is set to retire and be replaced by David Moyes. I think that would be a mistake.
Saying that, the next Black Eyed Peas video should be funny as fuck....


A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes...

A juggler was driving to a show when he was stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop looked inside the car, checked his back seat and demanded to know: "What are matches and lighter fuel doing in your car?"
"I'm a juggler" he replied.
"Oh yeah?" said the cop suspiciously. "Let's see you prove it."
"Ok" he replied. He collected his props and began juggling three blazing torches at the roadside. Just then an elderly couple drove by.
The husband turned to his wife and said: "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"