Jokes

A angry wife greets her husband when he gets in from work.
"I hear you've been getting friendly with your new Japanese secretary" "Yes, you heard right" he replied. "Sosumi"

You are galloping on your horse. On your right is a sharp drop, and on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed. You are being chased by a lion, and in front of you is a kangaroo which you cannot overtake. What must you do to safely get out of this dangerous situation?.... Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round, and act your bloody age!.

There's a psychotic gangster going round who pulls up the back of peoples pants. Police think it could be the work of "Wedgie Kray."

A wife walks in on her husband who is wanking furiously watching "The Dark Knight Rises", surrounded by used tissues.
"What the hell are you doing" she asks angrily.
"Sorry hun" he replies. "Anne Hathaway" of making me get through lots of Kleenex."

A wife is nagging her husband.
"If you were half a man, you'd take the kids to the circus like you promised." The husband replies "If I were half a man, I'd BE in the in the f**king circus"

My mate's started his own business where you get to cuddle celebrities for a fee. Currently he's the main Cher holder.

A Texan farmer went on holiday to Australia. There he met an Aussie farmer and they began a conversation. The Aussie showed him his big wheat field and the Texan said: "Oh! We have wheat fields back home that are twice as large."

They walked around the Aussie's ranch a little and the Aussie proudly showed off his fine herd of cattle. The brash Texan immediately said:
"We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

Suddenly the Texan spotted a herd of Kangaroos hopping through the field and asked: "What are Those?"

The Aussie wryly replied: "What's up, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb" !!!


One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" the other replies, "GREAT trade!"


I told my psychiatrist I have problems talking to attractive women.
She told me to get out....

Walking through the park the other day, I was accosted by a couple of Chavs, who were threatening to beat me up. "Do you know who my dad is?" one said. "No" I replied. "Do you!"

My gran came over at the weekend, and she brought 20 knickerbocker glories with her for me. I'll never eat them in a month of sundae's.

Knock, Knock
Who's There
Biggish
Biggish who
Piss off, you homeless get.

I can't say a sentence without mentioning faeces. I shit you not.

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."


I went outside earlier and saw little red, sticky drops fall from the sky.
That explains the weather forecast this morning. They expected periods of rain!!!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Harry: “9″
Principal: “What is 6×6?”
Harry: “36″

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…”

Two weeks ago was my birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Gee, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked...

We have a mate at work who's forever borrowing money off everyone. We've christened him "Red October" because he's always on the bloody hunt for a sub!


With her husband languishing in jail, a farmers wife was trying to keep the business together until his release date. However, she knew precious little about farming and so wrote to him in prison, asking, "When is the best time to plant potatoes?"

Knowing that all his mail was being intercepted by the prison authorities, the farmer wrote back, "Don't go near that field darling. That's where all the loot from the bank job is buried.

Sure enough, the very next day a dozen police officers descended on the farm and dug up the field looking for the money. After two whole days of digging, they found nothing.

Then the farmer wrote back to his wife, "Now is when you should plant your potatoes."

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.

“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”