Jokes

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"


Apparently there's been a big sacking in Manchester.
Thieves have looted the bin aisle in Wilkinson's....


80% of men don't get eat enough fibre in their daily diet.
Tough shit...

I made a Punk who was buying a scratchcard very angry in the shop earlier. All I asked him was, "So are you feeling lucky then?"

A cop is sent for his annual physical. Afterwards his doctor says "Sergeant, I think you're going to need a joint supplement"
"No way Doc" he replies. "I get my weed from the evidence room, that's strong enough for me."

A husband caught his wife cheating with a guy from Narnia.
He caught the lying bitch in the wardrobe.

A guy told his girlfriend to piss off because she looked like a small pink mouse....After second thoughts he knew he'd dropped a clanger.

A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”


A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

A farmer had a sick cat, so he phoned the village vet to find a cure. After hearing the symptoms, the vet told the farmer to give it a pint of castor oil. "A whole pint?" queried the farmer. "That's right" said the vet. "That should sort him out in no time."

The next day, the vet saw the farmer in the village, and asked him how his sick calf was getting on. "You Idiot! raged the farmer. "It wasn't a calf. It was a cat!"

"Oh dear!" said the vet. "Did you give it the whole pint of castor oil."
"Sure did" replied the farmer.
"What happened?" asked the vet. "Where's the cat now?"

Pointing into the distance, the farmer said: "Last time I saw the cat, he was over that yonder hill with five other cats. Two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory."

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
"But if you fuck one goat......."


My wife came home from a girls night and moaned "Kate told me her husband performs fellatio on her for a full hour before they make love...why don't you ever do that?"
"Because Kate's husband would kill me." I replied....

Two couples making a new password on their new computer. The man suggested the password to be “my pen*s”. The wife busted out with tears of laughing because the computer responded, “too short.”


A little girl was asking her teacher.

Girl: “Can my mom get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your mom?”
Girl: “She’s 40!”
Teacher: Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can my sister get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your sister?”
Girl: “She’s 18.”
Teacher: “Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can I get pregnant?
Teacher: “How old are you?”
Girl: “I’m 12.”
Teacher: “No you cannot get pregnant.”

A lil boy sitting behind the lil girl said, “I told you we have nothing to worry about.”

The teacher fainted.

A newly wed couple were talking. Husband: “How many boyfriends did you have before marrying me?”

When his wife wasn’t answering, he said: “Don’t want to tell?”
Wife: “I’m still counting!!”


A couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."


A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."


A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

What should you do if your dinner is chewy?
Best avoid Han Solo.

Yoda was guest of honour at my mates wedding, but I didn't think he approved of it. He kept telling him to "Use Divorce!"

I suppose once you've seen a few Sith Lords. you've seen a maul.

I wonder how many people who bought "The Kings Speech" soundtrack took it back saying "the audio skips"