Jokes

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!" Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble! "Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!" "In with the dings, out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!!!"


The cannibal living next door to me caught and killed a clairvoyant.
He only put her in the oven for half an hour though, apparently he likes his medium rare....

A farmers son accompanies his father on a trip to buy a cow. Once there the farmer spots a nice specimen, and begins to prod the cow all over, stroke its sides, look in every nook and cranny, and even lifts its tail to peer up its rear end.

"You see", he says to his son. "You have to give it a real going over before you know if it's worth paying money for."
The next day the boy runs to his father in the field and says:
"Dad! I just saw Mum and the Postman behind the barn. I think he's planning on buying her!"

A hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything. So the Hippy says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.' So the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. He says 'A cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.' The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table. Little while later the waiter comes back and asks the Hippy if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.' So the waiter says 'Why don't you kiss my ass. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the Groove!'



You think your job is bad? Think again:

I work in a old theatre where I host shows every weekend, you know, the usual cabaret stuff. But let me tell you something about my colleagues. Firstly, there's this fat slag. I slept with her once, I'll give you that, but the bitch won't leave me alone ever since. She keeps bothering me, picking a fight when I don't do what she wants. Somehow, she must believe we're together.
Next, there's the drummer. He's pretty cool, but he's got a bad case of ADHD. Basically, he's just beating on those drums with whatever he can find, sometimes even using his head. We also have a comedian but he's fucking useless. His jokes make you cry and if the show doesn't make you feel suicidal, he'll make sure you hang yourself after he's done.
Finally, the stuntman. I honestly can't believe he's still alive with his crazy acts. I think everyone with some common sense would have put that nutjob in a lunatic asylum a long time ago. By the way, our audience can be tough too. There's these two old geezers who just have to criticize every fucking thing we do. Seriously, they keep nagging and making fun of our hard work. I can't believe it's possible to be that negative.
Oh well, with me being a talking frog and all, I guess I can't afford to be too picky.

A man finds an old bottle. He rubs it and is amazed to see a pixie emerge. "You look tense" says the pixie. "Would you like a back rub?"
"Well I'd prefer a million pounds" says the man.
"I can't give you any money, but how about I rub your back?
"Well, how about you fix me a date with a Playboy centrefold?"
"Sorry" says the pixie. "But why don't I work on your shoulders?"
"Can't you make me taller? I'd like to be six foot six?"
"Why don't you lie down, and I'll start on your clavicles."
"Hang on minute" says the man. "What's with the back rubs? I thought genies were meant to grant three wishes?"
"Who said I was a genie? replied the pixie. I'm a massage in a bottle."

For a couple of months now, I've been getting to know a very friendly young lady who insists on calling me every evening for a chat.
Earlier today, I plucked up the courage to ask her if I could masturbate to the sound of her sexy voice.
I think that's the last I've heard of Anglian Windows....


A family knocked on my door and asked if I could spare a moment to talk about bread.
They must have been Jehovis Witnesses....


Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

Noddy Holder is going back on the road with Slade and goes into a 70's style clothes shop to get his stage costume together.
"So what will you need Noddy?" asks the salesman.
"A pair of platform boots, a pair of flared trousers, a big glittery hat, and a shirt with a big collar please" Noddy replies.
"Kipper tie? asks the salesman.
"Oh ta very much" says Noddy. "Milk and two sugars please."


A little cockney girl and her mum are watching a navel wedding at which 12 midshipmen are forming a bridal arch with sculling oars.
The girl says: "Oh mum look at the handsome sailors with their big oars" Her mum replies: "They're not oars, they're bleeding bridesmaids"

A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose..."



A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."



Wayne Rooney has denied that he ever made an official transfer request, adding that he asked for stickers and not transfers....

A wife on her deathbed struggles to make a final confession to her husband. "Darling...there's something I...I have to tell you...during our marriage... I've been unfaithful with your brother....and four of your cousins"
"Hush my dear" says the husband. "I know all about it. Why do you think I've been feeding you poison for the last three months."


On their reunion European tour Musical Youth are being forced to travel to Germany from Belgium via France after being banned from Luxembourg. They'll have to pass the Duchy on the left hand side now.

I think it's only fair that I share with any students in here my 100% guaranteed successful secret to making money...it's called getting a job.