Jokes

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican? Her teacher told her, she had to do an Essay.


A conversation between me and my girlfriend today:

Me: "Babe is it in?" gf: "Yeah." Me: "Does it hurt?" gf: "Uh huh." Me: "Let me put it in slowly." gf:"It still hurts." Me: "Okay, let's try another shoe size."


One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.


Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.


Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.


Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

Jesus and St Paul are sitting in Heaven discussing global warming, pollution, and mankind's filthy ways. Jesus decides to pop down to see the situation for himself and asks St Paul to join him.

They get to the seaside, and Jesus spots a huge metal pipe leading out to sea and asks what it's purpose is. St Paul explains that it is used to take human effluent out to sea, where it kills marine life.

Jesus decides to take action and begins striding across the waves. St Paul follows alongside him, but is soon knee deep in shitty water, while Jesus is scooting merrily along regardless. Hopeful of some help, St Paul slogs along but soon the water is up to his chin.

"Master" he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking looks at St Paul and says: "Well, why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, dickhead?"

A married couple was on a foreign holiday. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The shopkeeper replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the shopkeeper, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the man's thighs. The shopkeeper then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"




Watching the telly earlier, my Dad said, "It's about time they gave judges back their bloody hanging powers. See what things have come to in this country nowadays?"
We're not letting him watch Britain's Got Talent next week....



Yet again I'm sat here in front of the computer in just my vest and underpants.
The owner of the internet cafe's having a right old fit...

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem. My dicks square." "Rubbish" says the doctor. "Give me a look."
The undoes his pants and flops it on the table.
"Amazing" says the doctor. "How did it happen?"
"Well, you see Doc, I was helping a mate shift a fridge when he slipped and the fridge landed on my dick. I rushed into the workshop and put it in the vice, tried to squeeze it back to shape, but it ended up square.
The doctor reaches for his prescription pad and starts to write.
"what are you giving me Doc?" asks the guy.
"Nothing, I'm giving you three days off work to pull yourself around."

A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"



According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were!!!

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? About three inches.


The class was on a tour of the local art museum and the teacher stopped before a reproduction of a DaVinci painting.

“Class, this man was a genius. With just one, single stroke he could change a smiling face into a pained, sorrowful one.”

A little boy raised his hand. “Question, Elmer?” the teacher asked.

“I just want to tell you that my Mom can do the same thing.”


A super hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest says, "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?" "Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby." The priest says, "It's okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay." As the girl tries to go out, the priest says, "Oh, and dont forget that I will always be here for you!"

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."


After Watching the A-Team and seeing Mr-T make a machine gun out of a clothes prop a screwdriver and a rubber band, Roy Hodgson has decided he wants him to be assistant England manager to see what he can do with 11 spanners....


After 1 pint I was an absolute mess. I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before shitting myself and falling asleep in the corner.
The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood....

Mick was consoling his best friend Pete in the pub after he had caught his wife in bed with another man.
"Come on Pete" he said, "it's not the end of the world.
"That's easy for you to say Mick. How would you feel if you came home and caught your wife in bed with another fella."
Mick thought for a moment and replied: "I'd break his white cane and kick his guide dog up the arse."