Jokes

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

I'm off to the National Schizophrenics Convention next week. Anybody who's everybody will be there

My wife was boiling mad the other day...until I told her to simmer down

Doctor, Doctor every time I look in the mirror I feel violently ill. What's wrong with me?
I don't know but your eyesight's fine.

Men have just 3 styles of hair. Parted, unparted and departed.

People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people turn up. A small crowd, hardly anyone shows up

What do you call an ex-girlfriend with GPS capability? A crazy bitch that will find you!

The five most important qualities in a woman: one who is independent and helps around the house, one who can make you laugh, one who you can trust, one who is good in bed, and most importantly, one who should make sure these four women never meet.


Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.


After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same
thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department when a female goth with purple hair entered, bent double with pain. The nurse and a fellow doctor determined that she had acute appendicitis, and they scheduled her for instant surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table and under anesthetic , the surgeon noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo that read "Keep off the grass."

After the surgery was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing that said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but lawyers can find you anywhere.

A dentist told a mother, "I'm sorry madam, but I'll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy's tooth." The mother exclaimed, "A $100! You said it was only $20!" "Yes," replied the dentist, "but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!"


A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."



I am so glad yesterday is over, from 12 noon till 12 midnight my loony wife kept running into the lounge shouting and throwing hot drinks at me, I think she must have had pm-tea...

A guy had three girlfriends on the go but wasn't sure which one to settle down with. So he decided to give each one £500 to see how they spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover. She bought herself clothes, a new hairdo, manicure and pedicure. When she came back she told him, "I spent the money so I could look gorgeous for you because I love you so much." He was very touched and quite aroused so they jumped in the sack and had great sex.

The second one went out and bought him a brand new flat screen TV. She told him, "I bought you this gift because, you treat me with respect, and because I love you so much." He was overjoyed with the gift and thanked her enormously.

The third one took his £500 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, gave him his £500 back and reinvested the rest. She told him, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

After thinking long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."


A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."


"Are you ready to give me an anal bartering?" asked my wife.
"Don't you mean battering?" I laughed.
"There's some very expensive shoes I want," she replied, "I know what I mean."

Mike a Scouser is on a trip around North America. One day he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada Desert, and is chatting to the bartender, when he spots a native American Indian wearing full tribal gear sitting at the opposite end of the bar. "Wow" says Mike, "Who's the guy in the Indian gear?"

"That's Red Bear, he's the most amazing memory man ever, ask him anything and he'll give you the correct answer." "Really"? replies Mike sceptically. "Go check him out if you don't believe me" says the bartender.

Mike walks over, and thinks he can stump him by asking him a question about English football.
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final? " he asked.
"Liverpool" comes the swift reply.
Mike is amazed and asks "And who did they beat?"
"Leeds" replies the memory man.
"What was the final score?"
"Two-one" he replies in a flash.
Mike is very impressed, but thinks he can catch the memory man out with his final question. "Who scored the winning goal?"
Without hesitation, the memory man replies, "Ian St John."

Mike is stunned, and on his return home tells everyone about the Indian memory man. That day lingers in his mind, and he vows to go back one day to pay his respects to him. Ten years later, he has enough money saved for a return trip, and after weeks of searching in the Nevada Desert, he eventually finds the memory man living in a cave. Mike steps forward, bows, and greets the memory man in the traditional manner.
"How" says Mike.
The memory man squints at him and replies: Diving header in the six yard box."

To err is hunam

I can stop a speeding bullet.....once