Jokes

"Are we there yet?"..... 2nd hamster on the wheel

Pain is just natures way of telling you that you are more the nail than the hammer!

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."#


Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

Wife to Husband - "You know you remind me of the Ocean ! "

Husband: "What you mean Wild and Untamed ! "

Wife: No, you make me sick !



So it's Paddy's first day on the job as apprentice zoo keeper at Whipsnade. Nice and easy task for the first day, he's given the fish to look after. However, he gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals, and kills off all the fish. So to cover up his heinous crime, he gets all the fish out and throws them into the lion enclosure whilst no-one's looking. After lunch Paddy's told to feed the Chimpanzees. Unfortunately (but lucky for this joke) he feeds them all the wrong food and they all die. So, once again, to cover up, he dumps all the monkeys bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no-one's looking. It's late afternoon now, and Paddy decides to nip off home early before he does anything else wrong. Whilst backing his car out, he runs over the bees. (specialist zoo!) He quickly jumps out of his car, and with the engine still running, scoops up the bees and chucks the mess into the lions enclosure. He runs back to his car and goes home. The next day, there's another arrival at the zoo. A new lion on transfer from Woburn is brought in. "What's it like here then?" he asks the other lions. "Not bad", they reply, "not as much space as Woburn, but the food's getting better - yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and mushy bees

"Doctor, Doctor, how long do I have left to live?"
"Ten"
"Ten!....ten what? Months? Years?"
"Nine, eight, seven, six...."

My wife does not get upset easily....I have always counted myself an able achiever!

My wife said I can't do anything right. I was so angry I packed her bags and then left.

Wine gets better with age. The older I get, the more I like it.

I just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. Sadly the salt shaker broke the mirror I was stood in front of.

To err is human. To arr is pirate

A crumbling old church desperately needs renovating so one Sunday the priest makes an impassioned appeal to his congregation. At the end of the sermon a rich man stands up and cries: "Father I will contribute £I,000 to the restoration fund"

There is a smattering of applause and the man sits down. At that moment some plaster falls from the ceiling and hits the man on the shoulder. He promptly stands up again and says: "Father I will increase my donation to £5,000."

There's more applause, but before he can sit down again, an even bigger chunk of plaster falls and hits him on the head. "Okay" says the man. "I'll make it £7,500. The Priest looks up and says: "Hit him again, Lord!"

A little old lady is being questioned in court. "Describe what happened when the young man sat down next to you on the park bench" says the lawyer.
"Well, it was then that he started rubbing my thigh" said the old lady.
"And were the police called at this point?" asks the lawyer.
"No" replies the old lady.
"So, what happened then?" asks the lawyer.
"Well then he started to fondle my bosom." says the old lady.
"And is this when the police became involved?" asks the lawyer.
"No" replies the old lady.
"What happened after that? asks the lawyer.
"Well, that's when he started kissing me and suggested we go into the bushes for intercourse."
"I see. And is that when the police were alerted?"
"No" replies the old lady.
"Ma'am, when exactly were the police called to the scene?
"After he shouted "April Fool" and I shot the son of a bitch."

A big Texan strolls into the men's room of a top Dallas hotel. As he stands at the urinal, he notices that a small skinny guy standing next to him has an enormous penis.
"Wowee!" says the Texan."Just how long is that critter"
"Fourteen inches" replies the little guy.
"Goddamn!" says the Texan. "Fourteen inches soft?"
"Yep, That's right" says the little guy.
"So how long is it when y'all get heated up? the Texan asks.
"I've no idea. Every time I get an erection, I pass out."

An old lady is sitting on a park bench on a glorious summer day. An old man comes to sit next to her and the old lady strikes up a conversation.

"I really love the park in summer, do you come here often?"
"Now and again" replies the man.
"So, do you live round here?" asks the old lady.
"Just round the corner, I moved in last month." he replies.
"That's nice, have you any hobbies?"
"Not really" says the old man.
"Do you like pussycats?" she asks.
At this the man growls passionately, grabs the old lady, pulls her behind a bush, and gives her the ride of her life.
When he's finished, she lies back with a smile on her face.
"My" she says. "how did you know that was what I wanted?"
"Come to think of it" says the old man. "how did you know my name was Katz?"

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

I used to have superpowers but then my psychiatrist took them away

The height of bad luck: a bloke who finding a telephone number written in lipstick in a phone box, rings it and his wife answers it.

The height of possessiveness: constipation

A drinking game: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor