Jokes

A woman visited a fortune teller who told her that a lot of money was coming her way. That afternoon she was hit by a Securicor truck.

Two geologists were staring at a huge fissure in a rock face. One turned to the other and said: "It's not my fault."

A woman met a preacher in the street and asked him:
"Does your church welcome all denominations?"
"Yes" he replied. "but we prefer tens and twenties."

What do cows read in the morning?
The daily moos!

What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows?
A milk sheik!

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''

Jesus walked into a bar and asked for a glass of water, which he immediately turned into wine. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" yelled the bartender.
Jesus replied: "Well I'm not paying your prices for a glass of Chardonnay."

A man was walking past the cemetery when he saw four men carrying a coffin. Three hours later he saw the same four men still wandering around carrying the coffin. He thought to himself: Looks like they've lost the plot."

A woman is staring at herself in the mirror naked. She says to her husband: "Darling I'm old and fat. Cheer me up. Pay me a compliment." He replies: "Your eyesight's still good."

A leper walks into Blockbusters and says: "Have you got My Left Foot?"

At the end of his daughters short piano recital, her proud father asked her tutor: "What do you think of her execution?"
The tutor replied: "I'm in favour of it."

Guy goes to the doctors, and tells him that he has these splitting headaches all the time and they are driving him mad. Doctor sends him to see a specialist who does all the tests. Sorry but I have some bad news for you said the doctor. There is no cure for your condition apart from taking your testicles of, which will stop those terrible headaches. The guy ponders for a bit and then decides to go ahead with the operation as he cant stand the pain of the headaches. After the operation the headaches stop completely, but the guy goes into a depressed state. He wakes up one morning and decides that this is the start of his new life and things are going to change for the better. He is walking along the high street when he is passing a drapers shop, he decides on some new clothes. He goes inside and says to the old draper, I would like a new suit please. The old draper just looks him up and down and says, 36 waist, 31 inside leg etc. The guy says , don't you use a tape measure. Ive done this job for 60 years said the draper, I know it all. He comes back with this suit the guy tries it on and it fits like a glove. Can I have a shirt to match? Draper looks at him and says 14 collar, try this one sir. Guy tries on the shirt and once again the shirt fits like a glove. I will need some underpants said the guy, size 34 L. No sir said the draper, you are a 36L. Ive always been a 34L said the guy. No sir you are a 36L, if you wore a 34L you would compress your testicles against your spine and give yourself some really bad headaches!

God summoned Jesus for a paternal chat.
"Have you found any work yet, my son?" he asked.
"Yes" replied Jesus. "I've been offered two jobs - as a carpenter on Mars at £20,000 a year or on Earth at £25,000 a year."
"So which one will you choose?" God asked.
"I think I'm going to take the job on Mars" replied Jesus.
God was mystified. "But you've been offered 25K on Earth and only 20K on Mars. I don't understand your reasoning."
"It's simple really, I'm taking the Mars job, because the last time I was on Earth I was hammered with tax."

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can get to sleep with a light on.

A little boy wanted to be Bill Clinton for Halloween, but he couldn't get door-to-door with his pants around his ankles.

How does a woman scare a gynaecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.

A middle-aged couple were in the audience at the World Snooker Championships when in the darkness, they spotted a pair of young lovers caressing each other passionately.
"I don't know whether to watch them, or watch the game!" remarked the husband.
"Watch them" advised the wife. "You already know how to play snooker."