Jokes

A boss gave his personal assistant an expensive sexy dress as a birthday present. As she admired herself in the mirror, he said:
"Your panties are coming down."
Embarrassed, she quickly looked down to check.
"No, they're not" she said.
"They are" he replied, "or the dress goes back to the shop!"

A man bought a rug that was advertised on eBay as being "in mint condition". When it arrived, there was a big hole in the middle.

A man walks into a bookbinding class. The tutor said:
"Come in sir. Make yourself a tome.

The President of the Glaucoma Sufferers Society died recently.
There was a lot of misty eyes at the funeral.

What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynaecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree, and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.

I hate it when people abbreviate words...'nuff said.

Breaking news: Police have arrested man in connection with 1982 murders. I would have thought they should have caught him after just a few.

If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It would just have been a matter of time.

Just walked into the hotel and went up to the reception desk. 'Sorry I've forgotten what room I'm in'
'No problem sir, you're in the lobby'

'I want to be a millionaire, just like my dad'.
'Wow, you're dad was a millionaire?'
'No but he always wanted to be'

A farmer walks out on his field and sees something outrageous: a cow with a halo over her head, a cat on the cow's back, and a rabbit on the cat's back.

"HOLY COW!" he exclaims, "I've never seen a hare on that pussy!"


Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

A man told his wife: "If interfering was an Olympic sport, you'd win the gold meddle!

A dyslexic pervert went into a S&M shop and came out with a nice sweater.

A guy was standing at the bar looking glum.
"What's up?" asked the bartender.
"My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our love lives."
"That's great, so why the long face?"
"Well, unfortunately "Guess who I shagged last night?. didn't go down to well."

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

A Chinaman, an Irishman, an American and an Australian were debating whose country was the best.
The Chinaman said: "My country is best because we have the Great Wall."
The Irishman said: "No, my country is best because we have the greenest grass"
The American said: No, my country is definitely the best because we have the most beautiful flag."
The Australian said: "You're all wrong. My country is best because we have the kangaroo, and that can jump over your Great Wall, crap on your grass and wipe its arse with your flag."

A New York doctor called in his next patient - an elderly Italian who sometimes struggled to understand the doctors instructions.
The Italian opened his jacket and placed a figure of Buzz Lightyear on the doctors desk.
"I'm sorry. What's this for?" asked the doctor.
"You tell me to bring specimen" the Italian replied.

A teacher was doing his rounds during playtime, when he saw three boys peeing up against the wall of the science block.
"What do you think you're doing?" he demanded.
"We're having a contest sir. Whoever can pee the highest gets £5"
In a rage, the teacher rushed straight to the headmaster.
"Mr Grimes" he said. "I've just rumbled three boys urinating up the wall of the science block. Apparently whoever could get the highest would win £5."
"So what did you do?" asked the headmaster.
"I hit the roof!"
"Cool! Did you get your money?"

When a friend took the entrance exam for Medical School, he was perplexed by this question, "Rearange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when it is erect."

Those who spelled SPINE are now doctors

The rest are on this forum