Jokes

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."

The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.

"Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed.

"Bell 3," and they began to make love.

After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!"

"What's Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Old age- if only we could live life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting your pension.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work forty years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to school: play sports, date, drink and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to infants school, play and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...you finish off as an orgasm.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "goal."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "Its fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "goal, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "goal, Im ahead 2 to 1."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "goal, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "goal, I lead 3 to 2."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by his wife so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he craps the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"

Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get it right.'"

Two brothers are sent home from school for swearing.

Their father gives them both a clip round the ear and sends them straight to bed.

The next morning, their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

The first boy says: "I'll have some f**king cornflakes."

His mother angrily clips him around the head and sends him to his room.

The father glares at the second boy, and asks what he would like for breakfast.

"I'm not sure" says the boy. But I can tell you for sure-it's not going to be f**king cornflakes!"

A hermit was arrested for doing 100mph - The charge was recluse driving.

Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?
Because he couldn't resistor.

A man walks into a bar and sees his best mate looking miserable.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"It's my wife. When we make love she just lies there. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to work. She doesn't moan, scream, or even move."
"Hey, don't worry about it" says the man, patting his mate on the shoulder. "She's exactly the same with me."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN/MAN

How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.

Two newlyweds quickly realized that their marriage wasn't working and filed for divorce.

The judge asked them what the problem was.

The husband replied: "In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."

The judge turned to the wife: "Have you anything to say?"

She answered: "It's been six weeks, your honour."

Hollywood Remakes

Mend It Like Beckham: Retired footballer David Beckham shows his flair for needlework and darning.

The Sound Of Mucus: An Austrian singing family fear their phlegm-filled throats will betray them to the Nazis.

Low Litre: A promiscuous young barmaid is accused of giving short measures.

Pilates Of The Caribbean: A gang of seafaring scoundrels take time off from looting ships around the Bahamas to improve their posture.

Foetal Attraction: A psychotic woman develops an unhealthy obsession with unborn babies.

The Umpire Strikes Back: A Wimbledon tennis official exacts a bloody revenge for years of abuse from John McEnroe.

Donny And Clyde Tired of life with the Osmonds, one of their number joins up with a notorious bank robber on a crime spree across the US.

How Green Was My Valet: The moving story of a naïve Welsh butler.

Saving Ryan's Privates: A US soldier finds himself in a tricky situation when tortured by the Germans in war-torn France.

Lady Chatterley's Plover: An aristocratic siren shows her tender side by taking a sea bird under her wing.

A Spinster hears a knock on her front door and opens it to find a tramp begging for food.

She's about to turn him away when she notices the tramp is wearing massive shoes.

Remembering the theory that men with big feet have equally large penises, she starts feeling frisky and invites the tramp in.

Next morning, the tramp wakes up after a night of passion and finds a £50 note and a letter pinned to his pillow.

The letter reads: "Buy some shoes that fit."