Jokes

Stock Market Report

Cows steered into a bull market.

Hiking Equipment was trailing.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca-Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Birds Eye Peas split.

And Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?

A: They all get the house.


A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Three Eskimos are drinking in their local bar, and they got talking about how cold their igloos were. They couldn't agree on whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to test each others igloo out.

Once inside the first eskimo's igloo, he said, "Watch This!"
He poured a cup of water into the air. The water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

They then went to the second eskimos igloo. he also said "Watch This!. He then took a huge big breath, exhaled and his breath froze into a big solid lump of ice and fell to the floor.


" Wow, that sure is colder than mine" said the first eskimo.

When they reached the third eskimos igloo the guy said "Watch this!"

He went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs and retrieved one of several small balls of ice lying there. He placed one on a spoon, lit a match and held it under the spoon.

When it heated up enough, the little ball of ice went:
"FFFAAAARRRRTTT!"

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.

"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."

The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."


An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

Condom Slogans

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

Don't be silly, protect your willy.

Cover the stump before you hump.

Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

Before you bag her, sheath your dagger.

You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband:
"I bet you don't know what today is"

"Of course I do" he indignantly answered, before dashing off to work.

At 11 am, the doorbell rang, the woman answered the door and was handed a box containing a dozen red roses.

At 1pm, a box of luxury Belgian chocolates arrived. Only later to be followed by an exquisite designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to get home.

As he stepped in the front door, the woman threw her arms around her husband and said:

"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Shrove Tuesday in my life!.

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me!

My mates wife left him last week. She said she was going out for some milk and never came back. I asked him how he was coping. He said: "Not bad. I've been using that powdered stuff.

"Waiter! There's a fly in my soup"
"No sir, that's the essential vitamin bee.

What's the only thing you can look down on and approve of at the same time? Cleavage.

It wasn't school I hated, just the principal of it.

What are the seven dwarfs of menopause?
Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho.

What would you do if lightning struck your toilet?

Don't worry, it would just be a flash in the pan.