Jokes

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."


As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."

Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"

Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"

Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"

Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol -- this is a job for Mam

Going to war without the French is like......well, World War 2 actually!

I bought my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She hasn't stopped moaning since.

I bought some condoms the other day and the shop assistant asked me if I would like a bag. I said ,"No she's not that ugly"

If you had to choose between your wife or winning the lottery, what supercar would you buy?

If god didn't intend us to eat meat why did he make animals out of food?

A tourist is travelling through the American Old west, when he comes across a old American Indian couple sitting on a rug.

He says hello and asks what their names are.

"My name is White Cloud" My wife here is called Three Horses."

"Three Horses?" says the tourist. "Is that because her father saw three horses just after she was born.

"No" says the old man. "She's called that because all she does is nag, nag, nag."

Tom is having his house painted. One evening he comes home from work and accidently puts his hand on a freshly painted door.

As he peels it away he leaves a big palm print on the woodwork. Tom's wife says she'll speak to the painter the next day to give the door another coat.

The next morning, Tom's wife goes up to the painter and says:
"Can I show you where my husband put his hand last night?"

The painter replies: " Thanks lady, but I've got a long hard day ahead of me, can't you make me a cup of tea instead.

A man goes to the doctors to ask for help, as his wife is just not interested in sex any more. The doctor gives him a small bottle of pills.

"These are experimental" he says. "We don't know all the side-effects, and the tests carried out so far indicate they are very powerful. You mustn't give her more than one.

The man makes his way home and wonders how he's going to ask his wife to take a pep pill. While he's having dinner, inspiration strikes; he'll just pop a pill in in her coffee.

He waits until his wife's in the kitchen, then drops a pill in her coffee.
Unfortunately, his hand's shaking through nerves, and he drops a second pill into the cup. He recalls the doctor saying not to give more than one, so in panic he stirs the pills into the coffee and drinks half of it himself.

His wife comes back in to clear the plates, she drinks the remaining coffee in the cup, and goes back into the kitchen.

The man begins to wonder how long the pill will take to work. Seconds later, his wife steps into the room, dripping with sweat and with a wild look in her eye. Tearing off her blouse she pants:

"I want a man inside me. I want a man inside me now!" The man gulps, wipes the sweat from his brow. "You know what?" he squeaks. "So do I"

My mate rang, said he's just got this bargain coat, proper price 200 quid, he paid £20.
He said It's supposed to be slightly imperfect, but he's had a good look all over it and
the only thing he can find is one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two.

Three hillbillies are walking down the road when they see the rear end of a pig sticking out from a bush.

The first one says: "Gosh, I'm real horny. I sure wish that there was Demi Moore's backside."

The second one says: "I'm real horny too. I sure wish that was Dolly Parton's backside."

The third one says: "I'm dead horny as well...I wish this was night-time"

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A chubby woman goes to see her gynaecologist. While she is in the stirrups with her legs open, the doctor says:

"Are you experiencing any problems with your love life at the moment."

"Well", the woman replies, "my husband doesn't seem to be as interested in it as he used to be. I don't think he finds me attractive any more."

"That's a shame" says the doctor. "Have you tried to diet?"

"You think I should?" says the woman. "What colour do you think he'd like?"

Rarely Seen Crossbreeds Of Dogs.

Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers.

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes.

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiler = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for the philandering ex-husband.

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.