Jokes

What do you call a short Japanese leader?
A sawn off Shogun.

It was a sad day for the Rattlesnake family. The time had come for the children to strike out on their own.

Why did the bald man leave nothing in his will?
He had no heir apparent.

Those who defy death will face Grim Reaper-cussions.

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

When God was making the world, he bestowed on man a sex life of 20 years. Man was horrified. "Only 20 years Lord?. Can't I have more?" he begged.

God would not be moved-that was all the time he would give man.

Then God called upon the monkey and gave him a sex life of 20 years. "I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten is plenty for me."

Man spoke up and said, "Can I have the monkey's spare 10 years?"
God agreed to grant these extra years to the man.

Then god called upon the lion, and gave him a sex life of 20 years.
The lion said he only needed 10 years and again, the man asked for the extra time to be added to his account. God agreed to this.

Then God called upon the donkey. The donkey was also given a sex life of 20 years, but like the others said that 10 years was enough.
Again, man asked for the spare years to be added to his account and God gave them to him.

And that explains why man experiences 20 years of normal sex life, then has 10 years monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and spends a final 10 years making an ass of himself.

You Know You're Taking Too Much Viagra When...

At work, they call you the "Spiritualist", because when you sit down at a meeting, the table starts floating.

When you sunbathe in the nude, people use you to tell the time.

You always come last in limbo contests.

You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.

You don't have to use your hands to open doors when you're at the sauna.

You have to remove the ceiling fan before you can sleep on your back.

They only ever let you go at the front of the rumba line.

You find it dangerous to stand in a lift facing the Doors.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.

"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."

The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.

"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.

"South American Blow Job Toad."

"So?" asks the wife.

"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

Computer Bugs

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back...

TITANIC VIRUS: Makes your whole computer go down.

DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after one byte.

FRANK SPENCER VIRUS: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on the daughter card.

GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data build-up.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS: Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

MAFIA VIRUS: You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.

A GROUP of teddy bears were working down in the gold mines when they decided to put down their tools and take a break.

Returning from lunch, they realised their pickaxes were missing.

"What's this?" said a teddy bear to the foreman.

"Don't you know?" said the foreman. "Today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Two starving cannibals capture a missionary.

To divide him equally, they agree to start eating him from either end and make their way to the middle.

After five minutes of munching, one of the cannibals asks:
"How are you doing over there?"

"I'm having a ball" he replies.

"Then slow down" replies the first cannibal. "You're eating too fast."

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"