Jokes

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fungi to be around!


How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.


Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery


"Accept this sacrifice, oh Great Lord of Darkness."

"Anyone know what this is doing in here."

"Better save that: we'll need it for the autopsy."

"Could you stop that thing from beating? I'm trying to concentrate here"

"Damn it! There go the lights again..."

"Did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

"Don't worry; I'm sure it'll be sharp enough."

"Rex! Rex! Come back with that! Bad dog!"

"Hand me that...uh...that...uh...whatdyoucallit."

"Wait a minute; If that's his spleen. then what the hell's this."

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.


IF MEN RULED THE WORLD... DRINKING

- Instead of a beer belly, you'd get beer biceps.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
- St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated monthly.
- Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."


A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.
''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"
''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''
''Damn, that really is a drag!''
''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''
''That would sure mess up my day."
''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!'

Batty Books

A Young Mans Guide to Dating - by Caeser Titly

Beach Refreshments - by Conan Wafer

Costume Jewellery - by Fay Kerings

Dealing with Alcoholism - by Carrie M Holme

Entertaining with Friends - by Maude de Merryer

Fun at the Fairground - by Felix Ited

Living with Large Families - by Bertha Twins

My Favourite Sandwich - by Hammond Tongue

Reading Problems - by Liz Dexia

Sailing for Beginners - by Abal C Man

The Expectant Bride - by Marius Ina Hurrie

The Stripper - by Eva Drawsof

An obese woman goes to her doctor's to be put on a drastic weight-loss programme.

The doctor tells her that she can eat anything she likes but that any food must be inserted up the anus.

The woman agrees and four weeks later comes back for a check-up.

The doctor is very pleased with her progress but is concerned that the woman's hips keep twitching constantly.

"When did that twitching start?" asked the doctor.

"I ain't twitching" replies the woman. "I'm chewing gum."

A depressed looking man walks into a pub and orders a triple scotch. The barman takes it over and says, ' you must have had a tough day to want such a heavy drink'.
The man says, 'I got home from work and found my wife in bed with my best friend'
'Ah thats terrible' says the barman as he pours another triple whiskey and tells the man it's on the house. He then asks, 'So what did you do?'
The man says ' I went up to my wife and told her to her face to pack her bags'
'What about your best friend?' asks the barman
'Ah him...I looked straight into his eyes and said, BAD DOG!'

Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."

The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

A little boy goes to his mother and says: "Mummy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look in your room you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mother thinks quickly and says: "Oh, well I'm bouncing on Daddy's tummy because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy replies: "Well that won't work"

"Why not?" asks his mother.

"Because the lady next door comes by every afternoon and blows him back up again." he replies.

Tom is tried for bigamy after marrying Kate and Edith. In court the prosecuting barrister declares that Tom wanted his Kate, and Edith too.

How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit?
Unique up on him.

Bill Clinton Liked Monica Lewinsky's dress from the moment he spotted it.

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."