Jokes

A bloke opening his new flat pack bookcase with a Stanley Knife had a real scary moment. He nearly slit his shelf.


An adventurer who wanted to live like Bear Grylls for a year has died after one month. Cause of death is thought to be choking on some lobster in a 5* hotel in Australia.


Marriage is a bit like having a meal at a self-service buffet: you get exactly what you want, but when you see what another man's got on his plate, you fancy a bit of that as well.

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

Harry's wife dies and he takes it very badly, he collapse over her coffin at the funeral.

A friend takes him aside and tries to calm him down. "Look, Harry It's tough right now but you'll get over it. Who knows, in five or six months you might even find yourself a new woman."

"Five or six months?" sobs Harry. "What am I going to do tonight?"



A farmer goes to the vets and tells him his prize horse is constipated.

The vet hands him a bottle of pills and a tube saying: "Take one of these pills, put it in the tube and stick the other end in your horses anus. Then blow the pill up into its rectum."

The farmer thanks the vet, and goes home, only to return the next day looking extremely ill.

"What happened?" asks the vet.

"It was that pill" replied the farmer. "I did what you said but the damned horse blew first!"

I was chatting to my mate at work about the tennis, when he suddenly said: "I once got a piggy back off Dale Winton"
Talk about going off on a Tanned Gent!


What did the snail say when it sat on top of the tortoise?
Wheeeeeeeee!


A man goes to visit his doctor and says: "I'm thinking of getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision, Have you talked it over with your family?" asks the doctor.

"Yes" the man replies. "They're in favour of it 15 to 2"

A man walks into a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They completely misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch...still a rolex was very thoughtful.

A man and two women are sitting in a train compartment. The man decides to strike up a conversation.

"Do you know what I am?" he says to the women. "I'm a SNAG."

"So what's a SNAG?" asks one of the women.

The man replies: "That means I'm a Single New Age Guy."

"Oh I get it" says the first woman. "Well I'm called a DINK. That means Dual Income, No Kids."

"Are you called anything?" the man asks the second woman.

"Yeah" she sighs. I'm a WIFE."

"WIFE?" says the man. "I don't think I've heard of that one.

"There's plenty of us around" she replies. "It means Wash, Iron F**K, Etc."

Q: What are the three male turn-ons?

A: Some guys are butt guys, some guys are boob guys, and some guys prefer looking at the tops of heads.


A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

An Eskimo is driving through the frozen wastes when his car breaks down and he has to push it to the nearest garage.

While he's waiting for his car to be fixed, he buys a vanilla cornet from the garage shop.

The mechanic calls him over, so the he gulps down his snack as quickly as he can and walks to the car.

The mechanic gestures at the car's engine and says: "Looks like you blew a seal."

The Eskimo wipes his mouth and says: "Nah, It's just Ice-cream."

My girlfriend said we had to make sacrifices if we both wanted our relationship to work. For some reason she wasn't overly impressed with the dead goat in the kitchen.

My girlfriend said that when we go to Egypt could we go on a camel. I had to laugh and then tell her no as it would take ages to get there by camel.

The two words all men fear to hear: Internet history