Jokes

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.


What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!


What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.


What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.


As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''

We need to just understand saying 'I love you' to your mom and dad because you only get one mom -- and two or three dads.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

Some Benefits of Global Warming

No one will ever face a long drive to the coast.

Winter will only last twenty-four hours.

The hotter it is, the colder beer will taste.

Due to lack of ice, hockey will finally become the sport it was meant to be - a bunch a guys hitting each other with sticks under water.

It will take a lot less time to boil water.

The Olympic Torch will never go out.

After decades of segregation, polar bears might finally get to find out what a penguin tastes like.

The ark building industry will flourish.

A little known fact about William Tell is that apart from being an expert with the crossbow, he was also a very accomplished chef.

One day he had prepared a new dish for his Swiss friends, but ever the perfectionist, he felt there was something missing from the sauce.

"Do you think the sauce needs more berries?" he suggested.

"No, no" they replied. "You have just the right amount of berries."

More salt, then?"

"No, the amount of salt is perfect" they insisted.

"Herbs, that's it" he said triumphantly. "I should have put in more herbs. What do you think?"

"Hmmm" they pondered, tasting the sauce. "Perhaps only thyme, Will Tell."

A man parks his car outside Buckingham Palace, and in an instant a security guard comes dashing over and says: "You can't park there."

"But I'm here to cut Prince Charles hair" said the man.

"Have you got a permit?" asks the guard.

"No, I've got to take a bit off the back and sides.


What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route round?
R2 detour.

What's the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
You can sit upright in a car.

A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. She takes out a personal ad and corresponds with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. After a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Jesus vs Elvis

Jesus said: "Love thy Neighbour" (Matthew 22.39)
Elvis Said: "Don't be cruel" (RCA 1956)

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone"
Elvis loved sandwiches with peanut butter and Bananas.

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14.25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, 1965)

Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Jesus was the Lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chops.

"They took up stones to cast at (Jesus)" (John 8.59)
Elvis was often stoned.

Jesus's father is everywhere.
Elvis's father was a drifter and moved around quite a bit.

Confucious say, 'It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on!'

What do you call "fart" in German?
Farfrompoopin!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

Church singers. They're an a-choired taste.

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at one second just to feel like a bomb diffuser.

If you watch an Apple store getting robbed, are you an iWitness.

Since Viagra came on to the market, Pole Dancers say they receive a lot more standing ovations.

Did you hear about the proctologist who uses ferns to clean out your system? His motto is: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

How do you recognize a dyslexic Yorkshireman?
He's the one wearing a cat flap on his head.

The Wife Came Home Early From Work And Found Her Husband In Bedroom Doing Love To A Very Attractive Young Woman.

She Cried: “You Are A Disrespectful Pig! How Dare You Do This To Me — A Faithful Wife, The Mother Of Your Children! I’m Leaving You. I Want A Divorce Right Away!”

Husband Replied: “Hang On Just A Minute Love So At Least I Can Tell You What Happened.”

She Sobbed: “Fine, Go Ahead, But They’ll Be The Last Words You’ll Say To Me!”

And The Husband Began –

Well, I Was Getting Into The Car To Drive Home, And This Young Lady Here Asked Me For A Lift.

She Looked So Down And Out And Defenseless That I Took Pity On Her And Let Her Into The Car.

I Noticed That She Was Very Thin, Not Well Dressed And Very Dirty. She Told Me That She Hadn’t Eaten For Three Days.

So, In My Compassion, I Brought Her Home And Warmed Up The Enchiladas I Made For You Last Night, The Ones You Wouldn’t Eat Because You’re Afraid You’ll Put On Weight.

Since She Needed A Good Clean-Up, I Suggested A Shower, And While She Was Doing That, I Noticed Her Clothes Were Dirty And Full Of Holes, So I Threw Them Away.

Then, As She Needed Clothes, I Gave Her The Designer Jeans That You Have Had For A Few Years, But Don’t Wear Because You Say They Are Too Tight.

I Also Gave Her The Underwear That Was Your Anniversary Present, Which You Don’t Wear Because I Don’t Have Good Taste.

I Found The Sexy Blouse My Sister Gave You For Christmas That You Don’t Wear Just To Annoy Her, And I Also Donated Those Boots You Bought At The Expensive Boutique And Don’t Wear Because Someone At Work Has A Pair The Same.

The Husband Took A Quick Breath And Continued: “She Was So Grateful For My Understanding And Help That As I Walked Her To The Door, She Turned To Me With Tears In Her Eyes And Said,

“Please … Do You Have Anything Else That Your Wife Doesn’t Use?“