Jokes

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

A police officer made the mistake of arresting a judge who went to a party dressed as a convict.

The episode taught the cop a valuable lesson - that you should never book a judge by his cover.



Jesus saw a crowd of vigilantes chasing a woman, ready to stone her.
"What's going on" he asked.

The head of the vigilantes answered: "This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her."

"Wait" said Jesus. "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

Suddenly a stone descended from the sky and hit the woman on the head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad!" cried Jesus. "I'm trying to make a point here."

How do you say 69 in Chinese?

Two can choo.


How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"Aw, fuck it! We'll drink in the dark!"


There was a man from Leek
Who instead of a nose had a beak.
It grew quite absurd, till he looked like a bird
He migrates at the end of next week.

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a shit on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of shit, he began to realize how warm he was.

The shit was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow shit, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ’ i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.’ so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, ’I don’t know, I think that she started choking.’

source: jokes4us.com

On a visit to see his grandma, a teenage boy listened while she complained about the high cost of living.

"When I was a girl" she said, "you could go out with half a crown and come back home with a dozen eggs, half a pound of butter and a fresh chicken"

"Well that's inflation for you gran" he replied.

"It's nothing to do with inflation" she snapped. "It's all those damn security cameras that shops have nowadays!"


Donald Trump does a lot to help the less fortunate people in society.
For a start, he lets a blind man cut his hair.

What owl is most common in peoples homes?
The Teat owl

How did the blind woman pierce her ear?
By answering the stapler.

A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier today, and asked me what was the best shop for clothes.
I replied "Check Republic."

I have friends who swear they dream in colour.
I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

I decided to trace my family tree, because I'm crap at drawing.

What's an Australian kiss?
It's a French kiss down under.


This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.
"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.
She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.
''6'' she replied.
''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.
''12'' she said.
The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning.''
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, ''What the hell is that?'''

Apparently you can be a sperm donor by post nowadays.. I did mine in a jiffy!!

Two Americans open a bungee jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village.

Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices that Bob has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses pulling Bob up.

The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

"No," says Bob. "The cord was fine, but the birthday party down there thinks I'm a pinata!"