Jokes

Throughout my life, I have always wanted to be someone. It is now clear that I should have been more specific

Apparently the British army has lost over £6 million of equipment. That's the trouble when you cover everything with camouflage paint.

Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll...or taking shit from some asshole.

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me please, Doctor"?
"No but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span", replied the doctor.

Things We Would Never Know Without The Movies

1 - During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2 - When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to one another.

3 - All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

4 - The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.

5 - It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

6 - Police departments give their officers personality tests to ensure that they are assigned to a partner, who is their polar opposite.

7 - You are likely to survive any battle in war unless you make the mistake of showing a picture of your sweetheart back home.

8 - The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

9 - All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices that have large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

10 - You never have to wait more than ten seconds when hailing a London taxi.

11 - Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip within-seconds-unless it's a door to a burning building, with a child trapped inside.

12 - Cars that crash nearly always burst into flames.

13 - A single match is sufficient to light up a room the size of the Millenium stadium.

14 - You can always find a chainsaw when you need one

15 A detective can only solve a case once he's been suspended.

An upcoming young gunfighter meets Wyatt Earp in a saloon and asks the great lawman how he can become a better shot.

"I tie my holster to my leg" says Wyatt.

"Will that make me a faster shot?" the gunfighter asks.

"Shouldn't see why not" replies Wyatt.

So the gunfighter ties his holster to his leg and snaps off a shot at the piano player in the corner, shooting his hat off.

"Wow, that's great. You got any other tips?" asks the gunfighter.

"Well", says Wyatt. "I file off the sights on my gun's."

"Will that make me a faster shot?" he asks.

"Should do" replies Wyatt.

So the gunfighter quickly rasps off his gun's sights and fires another shot off at the piano player, this time blowing his cigar from his mouth.

"Fantastic" says the gunfighter. "You got any more tips like that?"

"Well" says Wyatt, "if I were you I'd get that gun of yours and cover it all over with grease."

"Really?" says the gunfighter. "And will that make me a better shot?"

"No" says Wyatt, "but when Wild Bill Hickok finishes playing that piano, it'll hurt less when he stuffs that gun up your ass!."

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"

A young Italian girl is going on her first date and her grandmother warns her about boys.

"They only want one thing" she says, "so don't let him touch your legs, don't play with his thingy, and don't ever let him lie on top of you. If you ever let him lie on top of you, you will bring disgrace on your family."

The girls thanks her gran for the information and goes off on her date. When she returns, her grandmother asks her how it went.

"Well, I didn't let him feel my body and I didn't play with his thingy: but when I wouldn't, he got it out and played with it himself."

"Mamma Mia" exclaimed the grandmother. "Don't tell me you let him get on top of you to disgrace your family?"

"Oh no", she replied. "I remembered what you said, so I got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy

Wife: "This is your final ultimatum! You choose me or your obsession with Elvis Presley.
Husband: "Well I'm sorry babe, but you're going to be lonesome tonight."

I had an out-of-body experience yesterday.
I was completely beside myself.

I've placed an order online with a music store in Scotland.
I'm so looking forward to having my Ayr Guitar delivered.

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.
Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.
French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms?
French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.

Three friends die in a car accident, and before they are allowed into heaven, St Peter asks each of them one question.

"When you are in your coffin and family and friends are grieving for you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says: "I would like someone to say I was a terrific doctor and a great family man."

The second man said: I would like someone to say I was a marvellous husband, and a great school teacher who made a huge difference to pupils lives."

The third man replied: "I would just like to hear someone say:
"F**K...HE'S MOVING!"

Little Jimmy's next-door neighbour had a baby, which unfortunately was born without ears.

Upon arriving home from the hospital, Jimmy's family are invited round to see the new baby.

Before they leave, Jimmy's father warns him severely not to mention anything about the poor baby's predicament. To even mention the word "Ears" his father tells him would invite the hiding of his life when he got back home.

Jimmy nodded his head and told his father he understood completely.

On arrival, Jimmy made a beeline for the cot, looked in and said:
"My word, what a beautiful little baby boy."

"Why, thank you Jimmy" the mum replied.

Jimmy continued, "He has lovely little feet, lovely little hands, lovely little eyes, and a lovely little nose. Is his eyesight ok?"

"Yes" the mother replies, "we are so thankful; the doctor says he will have 20/20 vision.

"That's great" replies Jimmy, "because he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses."