Jokes

I often experiment with recipes by adding German white wine.
This is nothing formal, just an add hock approach.

What's a gynaecologist do when he feels sentimental?
He looks up an old girlfriend.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and John F, Kennedy?
One had his head blown off, the other was assassinated.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders.

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said, "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face!"
You're in the wrong place!
There's plenty of room in the right 'un"

Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The dad responds after some quick thinking, "Why son, their making a puppy."

Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a puppy!"

Three Australians - Bruce, Bill, and Shane, were sitting in a bar in the outback. Bruce and Bill were easy-going guys, but Shane had a speech impediment which made him bad-tempered.

As they were drinking, who should walk in the bar, but Red Adair the famous oil-well fire fighter!

Brue recognized him straight away: "Look", he said. "It's Red Adair."

"Yeah, so it is" agreed Bill.

"No way" barked Shane. "That's not Red Adair."

"Trust me" insisted Bruce. "It is".

"Sorry Shane" said Bill. "I'm with Bruce on this one, It is Red Adair."

"No it's not" said Shane, becoming more aggressive by the minute.

"It is Red Adair" stressed Bruce.

"Totally is" echoed Bill.

Shane slammed his fist on the table. "No it's not. I'm telling you I know what Red Adair looks like. I've seen every picture he made with Ginger Rogers!"

What does a rebellious Amish teenager say?
"Talk to the hand, cos the beard ain't listening.

A blonde fails her driving test. The Examiner asks her. What do you do at a red light. The blonde replies:
"I usually check my emails."

What's another name for the zip on men's jeans?
A penis fly trap.

Wife: I've baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?
Husband: "No, I'll just use the Hammer as usual."

Things Not To Say To A Police Officer

"I can't reach my driving licence unless you hold my beer."

"Oh, sorry, that's the fake licence. Here's the real one."

"You're not gonna check the boot are you?"

"No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph."

"Aren't you the guy from Village People?"

"Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in."

"If you took some of the stuff I've just had, you wouldn't be so uptight."

"Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at Mcdonald's."

"Thanks officer. The last cop let me off with a warning too."

Heard two guy's in the pub today, saying that they wouldn't feel safe in a plane if it had a female pilot.

Sexist swines I mean, its not like she would have to reverse it or anything

INVENTIONS BY IDIOTS

1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.


I GONNA BACK TO ITALY JOKE

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went
back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning,
Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I
think..I gave him my super glue. !!

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan?
Osama bin Latte


There once was a boy named "Odd."

People made fun of him because of his name, so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."