Jokes

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, why don't Daleks hide in orchards?

Alfred Othelthwaite dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St Peter comes out to see who's there.
"Where are you from?" asks St Peter.
"Yorkshire" says Alfred proudly.
"Piss off" replies St Peter. "We're not cooking Yorkshire pudding for one."

A man turns up at a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of trousers.
"And what are you?" asks the host.
"A premature ejaculation", replies the man. "I just came in my pants."

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

Golfing Truths

Golf Balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to by more.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repairs his ball marks, and rakes over his sand traps.

It's much easier to get up at 6 am to play golf than 11 am to mow the lawn.

A good golf player is one who is slightly worse than you.

A good drive on the eighteenth hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on a Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

A mouse and a lion are drinking in a bar when a beautiful female giraffe walks in.

"Wow," says the mouse. "I'd sure fancy some of that!"

"Why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over and begins to smooth talk her. They get on really well and after a short while they leave together.

The following week, the lion's sitting in the bar when the mouse staggers through the door and collapses in the seat next to him.

"Holy cow," says the lion. "You look shattered. What happened to you?"

"It's that giraffe" replies the mouse.

"The giraffe?" says the lion. "But I thought you two really hit it off."

"We did" the mouse replied. "I spent all last week at her house."

"But why do you look such a wreck?" the lion asked.

The mouse replied: "Because in between all the kissing and the sex, I must have run about a thousand miles."

A policeman flagged down a motorist and said: "I'm arresting you for going through three red lights."

"Yeah, well I'm colour-blind" replied the motorist.

"In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit" said the policeman.

"So, what?" said the motorist.

"And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street" added the policeman.

"I always did have a lousy sense of direction" said the motorist smiling smugly.

At that point his wife leaned over from the back seat and said:
"Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks."

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

A man was desperate to see some llamas, and told his wife. She said
"Alpaca suitcase."

In medieval England, it was custom for the heir to the throne to wear a fancy collar known as a ruff. One Particular royal prince wore an exceptionally fancy ruff known as a dandy ruff, which blocked his vision so that he kept tripping and falling.
This proves that dandy ruffs cause falling heirs.

Judge: "Is this the first time that you have been up before me?"
Defendant: "I don't know, your Honour. What time do you get up?"

Girl 1: "What was your first boyfriend's name?"
Girl 2: "Brad. But I called him Bradawl because of his little boring tool."

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

A truck driver is driving through a small town. A sign comes up which reads "Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is upon him and his truck slams into the bridge and is stuck solid underneath it.

With cars backed up for miles, a police car finally gets through, pulls up and the cop gets out and walks up to the truck driver.

"Got stuck, huh?" says the cop.

"No" replies the truck driver, "I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."