Jokes

A woman fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon she had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day the dentist said sadly, "Darling, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, honey, he's as dumb as a post" she assured him. "Besides we've been together for six months now, and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True" agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

The judge in a divorce case asked for the representatives to make their final statements.

The lawyer for the husband rose to his feet and said: "M'lud, may I just remind you once again that one of the key incidents in this case was, in actual fact, an act of chivalry. Since when has it been wrong for a husband to open a door for his wife?"

The lawyer for the wife stood up immediately and said: "I think my learned friend is overlooking the fact that the car was travelling at eighty miles an hour at the time."

Two young lovers went up into the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. On arrival, the guy went out to chop some wood, but when he got back he complained that his hands were icy cold.

"Okay" said his girlfriend, "put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." So he did.

After lunch, he went back out to chop more wood and again he came back complaining that his hands were freezing.

"Just put them between my thighs, and warm them up again" said his girlfriend. And he did so once again.

After supper, he went out to chop more wood to see them through the night. When he came back, he said: "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looked at him and replied: "For crying out loud, don't your bloody ears get cold?"

This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.

"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

"NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

Dear Santa,
This year I have been really well behaved, well most of the time, OK just a few times....ah fuck it, I'll buy my own shit.

A cosmetic surgeon was sitting in his consulting room chatting to a friend when a beautiful woman walked in, kissed the surgeon and said: "Thank you so much for everything you have done for me. I felt ugly before, but now you have turned me into a princess."

"Wow, who was that? asked his friend. "You've done an excellent job on her."

The surgeon replied: "Oh that was my mother", and they carried on their conversation.

A few minutes later another gorgeous lady walked in the room. Even more stunning than the first, she too, kissed the surgeon and said:
"Thank you so much. You have made me look twenty years younger. The facelift and liposuction have done wonders for me."

"Wow, she looks like a supermodel! Who was she"? asked his friend.

"Oh", replied the surgeon nonchalantly, "that was my wife." And they carried on chatting.

A few minutes later, a third beautiful woman walked in, even more gorgeous than the other two. She had a perfect body with breasts to die for. She walked over to the surgeon, slapped him hard across the face and yelled: "You bastard! Look what you have done to my body! You've ruined my life!"

As the woman stormed out, the friend looked at the surgeon in bewilderment. The surgeon shook his head sadly and said:
"Let's not talk about it. That was my father."

Estate Agent Speak: Decoded

SPACIOUS: average.

CHARMING: small.

COMFORTABLE: very small.

COSY: very, very, small.

LOW MAINTENANCE: no garden, only one window.

WALK TO THE SHOPS: your car will be stolen within hours of moving in.

TOWNHOUSE: flat in tower block.

CONTEMPORARY: at least fifteen years old.

NATURAL, SECLUDED SETTING: ever seen Deliverence?

PARK-LIKE SETTING: a tree is growing only two streets away.

UNAFFECTED CHARM: needs painting.

ON THE WATER: flood in the cellar.

HURRY! WON'T LAST: about to collapse.

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh, just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong, why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So, whats wrong with that"?

The man said "Well the month is up tonight".

A woman goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black paint with yellow blobs splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky grey colour that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

She walks over to the artist and says: "I don't understand your paintings"

"I paint what I feel inside me" explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Immodium? she replies.

Good Things About Being Elderly

Kidnappers are rarely interested in you.

In an hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

You can sit on the toilet and do the biggest and noisiest evacuation since Dunkirk without the slightest embarrassment.

No one expects you to run - anywhere.

You get plenty of free meals from attending friend's funerals.

You finally suit a Christmas hat.

You can be obnoxious and abusive and merely be labelled a "character."

If you don't smell of permanently of urine, you are deemed a catch.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they cant remember them either.

You can jump queues and blame it on being old and confused.

Extortionate dental fees are a thing of the past - you just need to make sure that the glass in which you keep your teeth is clean.