Jokes

Ron Sup was a Chinese funeral director.
On the front of his parlour was his business sign:
"People Buried. R.Sup.

A sailor named Tommy had an affair with a geisha girl in Japan. A few months later he received a letter from her:
"Dear Tommy. You gone three months. Me gone three months. Should I carry Harry, or hari-kari?"


A Scot pushes his way to the bar.
"I've had an attack of the Yaws" he says to the barman.
"What's Yaws?" the barman replies.
"Double Whisky" replies the canny Scot.

Ways To Turn Men Down

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, i'd rather have the money

He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

He: Your face must turn a few heads.
She: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

He: Haven't I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.

He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

He: Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
She: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

A young nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem.

She confessed to the Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.

"Comfort yourself with a candle" advised the Mother Superior.

"I've tried that" she said, "but you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."

Fred had been stranded on a desert island for three years and had blisters on his hands.

One day he grabbed his old pair of binoculars and scanned the horizon.

"My god, a ship" he muttered to himself. "And there, on the mast, a naked blonde, beautiful breasts, and look at those hips, and she's heading this way."

By this time he had a roaring erection.

Suddenly he flung the binoculars away and grabbed his dick.

"Gotcha again ya bastard. There is no bloody ship!"

A bloke's girlfriend comes home early to find him fisting two-mail order brides at the same time.

Shocked and horrified she screams: "Get out now!"

The boyfriend replies: "Sorry love, my hands are thai'd."


Sunburn, Shingles, Chickenpox. I hate discussing touchy subjects.

A guy split up with his girlfriend because he painted the front door of her house black. She told him to get lost and never darken her door again.

Vultures make excellent comedy actors.
I loved them in those old "carrion" movies.

My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

Manliness Test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A: Lovemaking.
B: Screwing.
C: Taking the Pigskin Bus to Tuna Town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A: Your views about what to expect from a sexual relationship.
B: Your blood test results.
C: Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A: Your partner climaxes first.
B: You both climax simultaneously.
C: You don't miss the big game on TV.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A: Healthy, creative love-play.
B: Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C: Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend ever needs to find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:
A: The best part of the experience.
B: The second best part of the experience.
C: £100 extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained 5 pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A: No concern of yours.
B: Not a problem - she can join a gym.
C: A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive caring man is:
A: A myth.
B: An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A: Appetiser is to entrée.
B: Primer is to paint.
C: A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. You feel a gas attack coming on. Do you:
A: Hold it in with clenched buttocks.
B: Reluctantly let it go, and mutter an apology.
C: Let it rip and race around the room giving hi-fives.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A: Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that type of intimacy.
B: Probably is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C: Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

If you answered A more than seven times, check inside your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered B more than seven times, check into therapy.

if you answered C more than seven times, You Da Man!

A Girls First Time


As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

For a display on the walls of their school classroom a teacher asked her young students to cut out and paint pictures of clouds.

To make the clouds more interesting and colourful, she decided that they should all have a face and told the children to paint a sulphur yellow lion's face in the middle of each cloud.

The children loved painting the yellow lions faces in the clouds and the end result was stunning, except that one little girl forgot to include the face and just drew an ordinary cloud.

"What did I tell you?" said the teacher. "Every cloud must have a sulphur lion in."

Gardening Is Better Than Sex Because:

It's absolutely acceptable to garden before you're married.

You don't have to shower and shave before gardening.

Telling gardening jokes, and inviting co-workers to garden with you is not considered workplace harassment.

E-mail with gardening content is not considered offensive material.

You don't have to worry about pictures and videos of your gardening being shown on the internet.

It's perfectly respectable to enjoy gardening with a total stranger.

Every time you garden, you hope to produce fruit.

Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you garden by yourself.

You can have a gardening-related calendar on your wall at the office.