Jokes

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married, but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So, they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down, she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughter's bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughter's room she could hear nothing and decided 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table, she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother, you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother, you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother, you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door, his dad was on his mom naked . He said "Dad, what are you and mom doing? His dad told him "I'm parking my car in yours mom's garage. Go back to bed."

Well the next day, the girl next door came over to play with Johnny. He said " I have a new game for us to play." what's it called? The girl replied. It's called parking the car . Wanna try it? He said. Sure said the little girl.

Well Johnny tells her how to play and they get off to a good start. A few minutes later all you can here is little Johnny screaming . His mom rushes into the room and says" what the hell is going on here? The girl tries her best to explain. She said "You see, we were playing park the car and johnny got his car all most all the way in. The back tires wouldnt fit so I cut them off!

The Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

A groom slipped out of the hotel room on the first night of his honeymoon in Florida to buy his new bride a single red rose.

He returned to find her naked on the bed, screwing one of the bellhops for all she was worth. Another was shagging her arse, and she was sucking off the desk clerk, while jerking off two waiters.

"What's the hell's going? screamed the crestfallen groom.

"Well" replied his bride, "you always knew I was a flirt."

People Who Fart

The Vain Person - one who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person - one who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person - one who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

The Shy Person - one who releases silent fats, then blushes.

The Imprudent Person - one who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person - one who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

The Nervous Person - one who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person - one who admits he farted, but offers a plausible medical reason.

The Dishonest Person - one who farts but blames the dog.

The Thrifty Person - one who always holds several farts in reserve.

The Unsociable Person - one who excuses himself and farts in private.

The Strategic Person - one who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person - one who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person - one who can determine, from the smell of his neighbour's fart, exactly what he has eaten recently.

Greeting Card Verses Rejected By Hallmark:

1. I heard you had herpes, and I feel terrible. I'd say "Get well soon. but I know it's incurable.

2. Our love will never become cold and hollow, unless one day you refuse to swallow.

3. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be, don't fret about your wife though, she's moving in with me,

4.Happy vasectomy, hope you feel zippy, cause when I got one, I got real snippy.

5.You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

6. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't £250 a night.

7.You are the girl I long to be near, so I hope you get over your case of diarrhoea.

8. So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day, look on the bright side, she's a really good lay.

9. So you lost your job, its one of those hardships in life, next time work harder, and don't shag the bosses wife.

10. I bought this valentines card at the store, in the hope that later, you'd be my whore.

11. if you think that hickey, looks like a blister check out the one, I gave to your sister.

12. my tyre was thumping, i thought it was flat, when I looked at the tyre I found your cat. Sorry!

A minor religious sect in India worships the goddess of the Harvest, Kali.

Every morning they visit Kali's temple and make an offering: a watermelon.

They present the offering and then sing their sacred song:
"Here's another melon Kali baby!"

A Scotsman went on his first vacation to Canada.

One evening he downed a few whiskies in a local bar and just as he was about to leave, he noticed a huge stuffed animal head with antlers attached to the wall.

"What the hell is that? " he asked.

"It's a moose" replied the bartender.

"Christ almighty! said the Scotsman. "How big are the cats round here?"

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Castration: That's a eunuch experience.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer.

What has hindsight?
A stag during rutting season.

Two pythons had an argument. Afterwards the male python coiled his body and planted a kiss on the female's mouth.
The female python said: "You can't get round me like that you know."