Jokes

A very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of the bar.

The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"

The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."

The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.

The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"

The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."

The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.

The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."

The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."

One day during a lesson on English grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" twice in the same sentence.

First she called on Beth who responded with: "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Beth" replied the teacher. Then she asked Simon for his answer, and he said: "The beautiful flowers make the whole garden look beautiful."

"Excellent, Simon" replied the teacher. Then she asked Thomas for his sentence.

Thomas replied: "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad she was pregnant, and he said: Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

A guy was walking through the city late at night when a hooker emerged from the shadows and asked: "Wanna have a good time?"

"Sure" he replied, and they headed off to the nearest hotel.

As she took off her clothes, he just stared at her.

"What's the matter? She said. "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"

"No" he replied. "It's just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with each other and kissing. Then somebody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like I'm going to answer the door so don't finish without me, right. So, he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him, i told you not to finish without me.

The other guy says i didn't.....I FARTED!!!!!!!

Daft things people do or say.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is, where the fuck is yours?
People willing to get off their arse and turn the room upside down for the remote control, but refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "You just want to have your cake and eat it". What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I spent the best part of ten quid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

Billy was 12 and wanted to know all about dating. His mother was too embarrassed to tell him so instead she suggested that he hide behind the living-room curtains that night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. The following morning, he told his mother what he had seen.

"Sis and Paul talked for a bit, then he turned off the lights. Then he started kissing her. I could tell Sis was feeling sick because her face looked funny."

"Paul must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, but he seemed to have trouble finding it. I guess he was getting sick too because he started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt."

"That was when Sis started to moan. I guess she was feeling feverish because she told Paul she felt really hot. Then I saw what was making them both sick - a big eel had somehow got into his pants. It jumped out and stood there, about eight inches long."

"He had to grab it with one hand to stop it getting away. When Sis saw it, she was really scared: her eyes got big, her mouth was open and she screamed to God. She said it was the biggest one she'd seen.
She got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off."

"Then she grabbed it with both hands while Paul took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to stop it biting Sis. Next she lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it.
The eel kept on fighting but after a couple of minutes I thought it was dead because it just hung there and some of its insides were hanging out."

"Sis and Paul were so happy about this that they kissed and hugged each other but then, the eel began to spring back to life again. It began to straighten up and fight again. This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about five minutes, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead for sure because Paul peeled its skin off and flushed it down the toilet."

A man and a woman were discussing the worst pain that anyone could possibly experience. The woman said: "Without doubt, there is nothing more painful in life than childbirth."

"Nonsense" said the man, "a kick in the bollocks is much more painful. Ask any guy."

"You're so wrong" maintained the woman. "Childbirth is far more painful."

The man was not about to yield to her argument and announced: "I have proof that I am right"

"What proof?" she asked scornfully.

"Because" he continued, "a few years after giving birth a woman will say to her partner, "Do you want to try for another baby?" But I have never, ever, ever heard a man say - even years later - You know what I'd really like? Another kick in the bollocks!"

For several days, a husband was engrossed in a book entitled Be the Man of Your House. When he had finished it, he announced grandly to his wife:

"From now on, things are going to be different around here. You will do exactly as I say; my every wish is your command. Tonight you will prepare me a gourmet meal and wash all the dishes afterwards."

"When you have tided up, we will have the kind of sex that I want. Then you will bathe me as I relax, towel me dry and massage my feet and back. And tomorrow, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied caustically: "The funeral director would be my guess."

Pete's wife had been dropping subtle hints about what she wanted for her birthday. She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds."

So he got up early the next day, wrapped her gift, and left it on the driveway. It was the bathroom scales.

He is due out of hospital any day now.

How did the woman feel after having a joss stick shoved up her butt by a hippie? - She was incensed.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Sex when you're married is like going to a 7-Eleven shop. There's not as much variety, but at three o'clock in the morning it's always there.