Jokes

I no its abit distastful but im imature

Why did Hitler Shoot himself?
He saw his gas bill

A prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp "no sex for the 1st 7 days,just wa nks" she says "why only wa nks?" pimp says "Union rules,you gotta work a week in hand"

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment
next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that
she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and
leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best
feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be
your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said
you heard someone coming.... that was me..

CONFESSION OF AN ITALIAN ALTAR BOY

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
‘Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?'
“4 months vacation and five good leads.”

A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party alone, since she was gorgeous, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her, so her mom said, it's very easy, whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, "what will be the name of our baby?" that will scare them off, so she went.
After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her, and little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "what will our baby be called?" the boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders........ She stopped him and asked him, "what will be the name of our baby?" he ran off.
Later on, Johnny invited her for a walk, after a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked "Johnny.....what will our baby be called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "Oh Johnny.....what will our baby be called?" she asked again.
After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot and said... "if he gets out of this one.........
He will be called..............MacGyver


A Blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the
rancher says to Amy ... The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of
cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the m an says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'

What have Ricky Hatton and Gary Glitter got in common? They both went down when they tried to take a little Filipino in the ring.

Kermit the frog has caught swine flu...He shagged Miss Piggy without a condom-what a muppet!

Madonna has said that she is saddened to hear of Peter Andre and Jordan's marriage break up. She also wants to know if she can have first refusal on the blind black baby if neither of them wants it.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
...............................................

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
.....................................

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

A guy walks into a pub with a giraffe and orders 2 pints of lager.
The giraffe downs its pint and keels over onto the floor.
The guy quickly downs his pints and heads for the door,
When the watching barman shouts-
''hey sir! Ye cany leave that lyin there''
The guy replies-
''thats no a lion, its a giraffe''
Kills me everytime!

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime in a convenience store. One asks the manager what happened.
He replies "There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and he's dead."
"That's odd," said the first policeman, "didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday? And another covered in Wheata Flakes last week?"
"Your right" said the second policeman. "This must be the work of a cereal killer.

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close
to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a
dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
"The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me............An Asian lady who
was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she
was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get
two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why
it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'


Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

TONI SAMANTHA'S 'TAN' on Dirty talk now!