Jokes

A university professor is asked to give a lecture on the subject of "sex". When it's his turn to speak he walks to the front of the hall, climbs the steps and stands behind the podium.

The professor then shuffles his notes into order, adjusts the microphone and says: "Ladies and gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure..."

And then he returns to his seat.

One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.

5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.

So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.

So the two blonde's decide to go.

In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"

So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.

So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.

The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."

The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"

"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".

To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"

Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis.

Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.

So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him.

So the friend gave the man the witch's address.

The next day he visited the witch.

After telling the witch his problems she asked to she his penis.

After showing her, she thought for awhile and finally came up with an answer.

"Go into the woods and find a frog.

Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches."

The man quickly ran to the woods.

After searching for an hour he finally found a frog.

He ran up to it and asked it to marry him.

"NO Thank You" the frog said.

The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20.

The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.

Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.

The frog replied.

"How many times do I have to tell you.... NO, NO, NO"

The man looked down at his jewels and watched it go from 15 to 10, and from 10 to 5, and finally from 5 to not even a centimeter.

Tom discovers that Mick's wife Sally is having an affair. He knows he ought to tell him, but can't think of how to break the news.

Tom arranges to meet Mick in the local pub. On the way there, he walks past Mick's house and sees Sally's bit on the side slipping in the front door.

He hurries to the pub, and finds Mick stood at the bar. "Here" says Tom. "Have you ever fancied a threesome?"

"You bet I have" Mick replies. "That's always been one of my favourite fantasies."

"Well you'd better hurry on home" says Tom. "You might be just in time."

A guy asked his very attractive neighbour if she wanted to see the paperwork relating to the erection he was planning to have in his garden.

When she said yes, he showed her his porn mag.


A man brought a hot woman back to his flat. She began to look around and she was really impressed.

She asked him if he owned any other properties...

When he explained he had a nice little semi down south, she slapped him across the face and walked out.

A man was at a grave yard.

He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"

A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by curiosity.

"He was my wife's first husband!"


Mothers Worst Nightmare

Dear mum,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.


Wish us luck
Katie

P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie, I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.

Xx

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and approaches the barman.
"Here barman. My dog can talk and answer questions."

"No way! Show me and you can drink free all night" the barman replies.

"Great stuff, ask him a question" says the guy.

"What's the opposite of smooth?" asks the barman.
"Ruff" answers the dog.
"You're not getting away with that"
"Ask him one more, please"

"Ok then. When you're playing golf and you miss the fairway, what does your ball land in?"
"Ruff" answers the dog.
"Right that's it. You're taking the piss, now get lost" shouts the barman.

"Please, please, give him one more chance" asks the guy.
"Ok then. But if you take the piss again, me and the bouncer are throwing you out."
"Fair enough, ask away."
"Right who was Scotland's goalkeeper at the 1986 World Cup?"
"Ruff" answers the dog.


The guy finally comes round and finds himself lying in a heap outside nursing a thumping headache, and turns to the dog sat next to him.

The dog looks at him and says: "I'm really so terribly sorry, was it Jim Leighton."

One evening Snow white said she was feeling really tired and told the Seven Dwarfs she was going to bed early.

She said goodnight to them all, and retired to her room, whereupon the Seven Dwarfs dashed outside and stood on each others shoulders so that one of them could see through the window into her bedroom.

It was Happy's turn to be on top and to relay news to the other dwarfs below.

"She's taking off her blouse" said Happy. And each of the dwarfs told the one below. "She's taking off her blouse."

Next Happy said: "She's taking off her skirt" and the message was passed all the way down to Bashful at the bottom.

Then Happy said: "She's taking off her bra." The news was passed down with much excitement.

Then Happy gasped: "She's taking off her panties. Oh someone's coming."

The other dwarfs shouted: "Me too...Me too...Me too...Me too...Me too...Me too."

There once was two people Lisa and Brian

They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.

So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.

So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.

When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.

When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.

After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.

As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.

The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head"

A politician has just finished an evening's pleasure with a call-girl. He presses a $100 bill into her hand, and adds another.

"Here's the hundred dollars we agreed on" he says, "and here's another hundred as a tip."

"Oh that's ok" says the girl, handing back the extra hundred. "I don't really need it."

"You don't need it?" says the politician. "How do you make a living on a hundred dollars a trick?"

"I don't" she replied, "but I have a nice sideline in blackmail."