Jokes

Times were hard so a Scotsman decided to put his wife on the streets as a woman of the night.

At the end of her first week, he grabbed her handbag and emptied the contents on the kitchen table. He counted it and it came to £75.50.

"Which miserable bastard gave ya 50p? he asked.

"They all did" she replied.

Like the man said, if Stephen Fry has an erection, is it a "Fry Up":(

Breast ID System


(o)(o)
perfect breasts

( + )( + )
fake silicone breasts

(*)(*)
high nipple breasts

(@)(@)
big nipple breasts (you know who you are)

oo
a cups

{ O }{ O }
d cups

(oYo)
wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^)
cold breasts

(o)(O)
lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q)
pierced breasts

(p)(p)
breasts w/hanging tassels

(:o)(o)
bitten by a vampire breasts

o/o/
Grandma's breasts

( - )( - )
flat against the shower door breasts

electric shock breasts

|o||o|
android breasts

(/)(o)
scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o)
extra nipple breasts

($)($)
Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o)
zit on your breast

( o Y o )
poses for playboy magazine breasts

Everyone thinks my mate looks like Elvis Presley. It's ok at times but he hates the attention, even shopping has become a nightmare for him.

He hates Tesco's - Too much chat.
Asda - Everyone's Talk, Talk, Talk.
He prefers A Lidl less conversation.

A Bloke's wife texts him saying: "My friend has just come over, and I'm strapping on my favourite toy, hurry home so you can join in."

So he dashes out of work, really excited, jumps in a cab and heads straight home.

And what a brilliant night all three had: Playing Guitar Hero Together.


Do you want a chunky one, or four fingers?
Kit Kat. Providing sexual descriptions since 1935.

Two village gossips were on a bench in the park, when they noticed a young mother from the village.

"Is that hussy, breast feeding again, right out in public?" the first one said.

"It's her alright" the second replied, "and look the boy is at least 25 and not even her son."

Funny Email Typo


Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company.

------

To: All Staff
Subject: Copier

Please, please please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier!

We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier.

PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.


Thanks for your help.

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

A redneck and his girlfriend are having dinner one evening when all of a sudden the redneck's aquentice jumps up and stars gasping for air.

The redneck quickly stands up and realizes she choking on a piece of hamhok.

He starts pounding on her back like a drum and says "you alright?" she shakes her head no.

So then he starts hitting her belly, "how bout now?" he askes.

Her face now red shakes no. "i sure hate to have to do this to you" he says. then he goes behind her and flips up her dress and licks her in the ass crack.

He looks at her and askes her again "you alright?" she shakes her head no and her face is now purple.

The redneck looks at her with defeat and says "Well Im sorry, I guess that dog-gone hinelick manuver don't work after all"

A US Colonel happens to bump into his old army valet, Private Johnson, who'd been with him throughout his tour of Vietnam.

Seeing that Johnson is down on his luck, the Colonel offers him his old job back.

"It'll be just like it was in the army" says the Colonel. "Just do everything that you used to do for me back then."

"So the next morning, Johnson puts on the Colonel's coffee, goes into the Colonel's bedroom and tells him it's an hour before dawn. Then he slaps the Colonel's wife on the backside and shouts, "Rise and shine Tiger Lily! Time to get back to the bar.!"