Jokes

Urinal Etiquette

Excitable: Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets it down, finds boxer shorts have twisted around his leg, can't find hole, rips button off in rage, pisses in pants.

Sociable: Joins a friend in a piss, wheather he needs one or not.

Boss-eyed: Looks at a urinal to his left, pisses in one on his right.

Nosy: Peers at the next guy to see how he is fixed.

Indifferent: If all the urinals are in use, pisses in the sink.

Show-off: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor.

Worried: Unsure of what he has been into lately. Makes a quick inspection before pissing.

Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

Absent-minded: Opens jacket, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Sneaky: Farts silently while pissing, knowing the man standing at the next urinal will be blamed.

Immature: Pisses directly into bottom of urinal because likes to see it bubble.

Efficient: Waits until he has to shit and then does both jobs at once.

Tough: Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it.

Obese: Has to back up and take a long blind shot at the urinal, misses, and pisses on shoes.

Frivolous: Plays his stream of piss up and down and across the urinal, trying to hit a fly.

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

A man goes to a dog breeder to buy a guard dog only to be presented with a scruffy terrier mongrel.

"What use is that?" he asks. "I was thinking more along the lines of an Alsatian or a Doberman"

"Everyone goes for those, but this one is a true trained killer. I'll show you" replies the breeder. "Guard Dog? That Chair!"

In a blur of little snappy teeth and yapping the chair is reduced to splinters. "That's Amazing!, can I give it a go?" the man asks. "Go for it" replies the breeder.

"Guard Dog? That box!" shouts the man. In seconds the box is reduced to shreds by the terriers snapping jaws.

The man is hooked, he buys the dog, and rushes home to show his wife. "How do you like our new guard dog, he's a trained killer!"
"What that thing?" she replies. "Guard dog, my arse!"

What Woman's Personal Ads Really Mean

Adventurous: Has slept with all your mates.
Athletic: Flat chested.
Average Looking: Has a face like an arse.
Beautiful: Pathological liar.
Contagious smile:Does a lot of prescription drugs.
Educated: Had the arse shagged off her by everyone at uni.
Emotionally secure: On medication.
Feminist: Obese.
40-ish: 49.
Free spirit: Heroin addict.
Friendship first: Former slut.
Fun: Irritating.
Gentle: Boring.
Large lady: Morbidly obese.
Looking for soul mate: Stalker.
New Age: Excessive body hair.
Old Fashioned: No blow jobs or anal.
Open-minded: Desperate.
Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing.
Passionate: Sloppy drunk.
Poetic: Depressive.
Professional: Bitch.
Romantic: Frigid.
Sociable: Fanny like a yawning donkey.
Voluptuous: Super-morbidly obese.
Widow: Murderer.

A man starts work on an isolated farm, with the nearest village being 25 miles away. The farmer explains to the man that if he starts to feel horny, he should try shagging three holes in the barn. The farmer recommends holes 1 and 2 but warns him to use the 3rd hole with extreme caution.

A week later, he begins to get the urge, so he dashes to the barn and decides to try the first hole. He sticks his dick through and it feels warm and wet and starts shagging it with vigour, until he comes feeling very satisfied.

A few days later, he darts back to the barn, eager to try hole 2. He sticks his dick through and it feels hot and tight, and once again he shags it with passion till he explodes and feels fully sated.

Having enjoyed holes 1 and 2 so much a few days later he runs to the barn to indulge in hole 3. He slips his dick through, and it feels warm, hot and very tight, and he shags it over and over again... he comes so much it starts to become unbearable, and he is soon screaming in agony as hole 3 wont let go of his dick.

The farmer rushes in just as the man falls to the floor holding his dick. "What the hell was that" he asks the farmer.

"Well the first hole is my wife, the second hole is my teenage daughter, but the third hole is the milkman, and he never stops until he gets six pints!"

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme


A blonde I once met at a bar was extremely confusing because...
..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..she thought General Motors was in the army.
..she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
..she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
..she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

(30-08-2013 10:14 )4evadionne Wrote:  A young newlywed couple had a number of disagreements about the wife's refusal to give up smoking.

One afternoon, when she again lit up following sex, he told her: "You really ought to quit."

Getting tired of his nagging, she responded: "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex"

"But they stunt your growth" he replied
"Have you ever smoked?" she asked.
"No" he said.
Lifting her gaze to his groin, she laughed: "So what's your excuse?"

If your wife smokes after sex you should slow down and use some lube!!!

A blind man goes into a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After a while he shouts in a loud voice:
"Oi, barman, do you want to hear the best thick blonde joke ever?"

The bar falls silent. In a deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that I should enlighten you on a few points."

"Number one, the barman is in fact a blonde lady. Number two, the bouncer on the door is also a blonde lady. Number three, the lady sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer. Number four, the lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler. And number five, I'm a six-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very short fuse. Now I want you to think about this carefully. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man ponders for a minute, shakes his head and says:
"Nah, forget it, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

Redneck Computer Terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. Bill says to Hugh:
"I've seen some fabulous pictures of Divine Brown. I'd really like to get together with her some time. Any chance you could fix me up?"

Hugh replies: You have to remember that ever since that unfortunate incident with me, her prices have rocketed.

"Money's no object" said Bill. "Now let me have her number."

Hugh gives Bill the number, her rings her up and sets up a date.

A few days later as they lay on the bed together, he turns to her and mumbles breathlessly: "Now I know why you chose the name Divine."

She replies: "And sadly now I know why you chose the name Microsoft."