Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them,
and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding
man and asks him what he's doing.

The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," was the reply.

Big Busted Women:

Can get a taxi on the worst days.
Have a neat place to carry spare change.
Make jogging a spectator sport.
Can keep a magazine dry while lying in the tub.
Can usually find leftover popcorn after a movie.
Always float better.
Know where to look for lost earrings.
Rarely have to look for a slow dance partner.

Small Busted Women:

Don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public.
Find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap.
Can always see their shoes.
Can sleep on their stomachs.
Have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars.
Know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts.
Can come late to the theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle.
Can take aerobics class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

A blind man was travelling by plane to Texas. On board he felt the plush seats and remarked how big they were. The passenger next to him said: "Everything's big in Texas"

When the plane landed, he went straight to his hotel bar in Dallas and ordered a beer. The bartender served it in a mug. He felt the mug and commented on it's size. The bartender remarked: "Everything's big in Texas, buddy."

After three beers he needed the toilet, so he asked the bartender for directions. Confused he accidentally went to swimming pool instead and fell in.

As he flapped around terrified in the water, he screamed: "For God's sake Don't flush, Don't flush!"

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; ,my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready and four to go."


An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while
sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,
"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

Up in heaven, Jesus convened all his disciples and apostles to a meeting to discuss the world's spiralling drug consumption. Following a lengthy debate, they decided that they should try different types of drugs themselves before settling on a course of action to ensure the salvation of mankind. They decided that a select commission should return to earth to obtain various drugs. Two days later the appointed disciples and apostles began to return to heaven.

"Who is it? asked Jesus as the first caller arrived.
"It's Paul."Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring, Paul?
"Hashish from Morocco." "Very well Paul. Come in."
The second visitor arrived. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's Mark." Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring, Mark?
"Marijuana from Columbia." "Very well Mark. Come in."
Soon there was another knock. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's Luke." Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam. "Very well Luke. Come in."
Shortly there was another knock. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's Matthew." Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring Matthew"
"Cocaine from Columbia." "Very well Matthew. Come in."
Shortly another turned up. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's John." Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York." "Very well John. Come in."
Five minutes later another arrived. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's Judas" Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring Judas?"
"The FBI. OK, you mother fuckers! Everybody against the wall!"

What Men Say And What They Really Mean:

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard" MEANS "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"I'm going fishing" MEANS "I'm going to drink myself into a stupor, stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in total safety."

"Can I help with dinner?" MEANS "Why isn't it on the table yet?"

"I missed you" MEANS "My socks need washing and we're out of toilet paper."

"I was listening to you - it's just that I have things on my mind" MEANS "I was wondering if that blonde over there is wearing a bra."

"I was thinking about you, and got you these roses" MEANS "I fancy the flower-seller."

"I do help around the house" MEANS "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"You look terrific" MEANS "Please don't try on anymore outfits - I'm starving."

"I have something to tell you" MEANS "Get tested."

"It's a really good movie" MEANS "It's got guns, knives, fast cars and Angelina Jolie."

A man longed to wed a maiden with her virtue intact, but after searching high and low, he decided the only solution was to adopt a baby girl from an orphanage, raise her until the age of five and then send her away to a monastery for safekeeping until she was old enough to become his bride.

Sure enough, after many years away, she finally reached maturity and he retrieved her from the monastery and married her.

After the wedding, they made their way back to his house and into the bedroom, where they prepared themselves for the consummation.
As they laid down together in bed, he reached across for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asked him.
"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking" he replied tenderly.
She replied, "Why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"

Why Cats are Better than Men

1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.

3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.

4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.

5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.

6. When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.

7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.

8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.

9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.

10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.

11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.

12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.

13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

16. Better chance of training a cat.

17. Cats are cute.

18. A cat is never late for dinner.

19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!

20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife.

21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.

22. Cats treat your mom with respect.

23. Cats don't worry about hair loss.

24. I feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.

25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.

26. Cats can't show love without meaning it.

27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p

28. Cats actually think with their heads.

29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.

30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.

31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.

32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.

Mick is going through customs at Dublin Airport when he is asked to identify a bottle in his luggage.

"That's Holy Water I've brought back from Lourdes" says Mick.

The customs officer opens it, sniffs it and says, "This smells more like whisky to me.

"Isn't that fantastic!" replies Mick. "Another bloody miracle!"

Reasons why bicycles are better than women:

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your bicycle with friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.

If your bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

If you say horrible things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.