Jokes

I am not scared of goblins or ghouls and things that go bump in the night
Werewolves and bats and witches and such do not give me much of a fright .....
But there is this one thing that scares me to death and only this one thing I fear
And that's to open my fridge at night and find that I'm all out of beer.


WARNING TO MEN:

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.>
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

This is actually a true story.
On July 20, 1969, As commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the Moon. As we all know his first words after stepping on the Moon, 'That's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Mankind,' were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the little remembered casual remark 'Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.'

Many people at Nasa thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programmes. Over the years many people asked Armstrong what the 'Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky', statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled and never answered.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay , Florida , while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year-old question with Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

In 1938, when Neil was a child in a small mid-west town , he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by their bedroom window. His neighbour's were Mr and Mrs Gorsky.
Leaning down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky, 'Sex...You Want Sex Now??!!.....You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

The Inland Revenue sends an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. The inspector looks over the books and asks the Rabbi a question.

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" The Rabbi replies, "We collect the drippings and send them back to the candle makers. Every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"I see" replies the inspector. "And what about all these bread wafers you buy? what do you do with the crumbs?"

The Rabbi replies, "We collect the crumbs and send them back to the baker. Every now and then he sends us back a free box of wafers."

"I see," says the inspector. "You seem to perform a lot of circumcisions here. What do you do with all the left-over foreskins?"

"Well here too, we do not waste" replies the Rabbi. "We save all the foreskins and send them back to the Inland Revenue, and every year they send us back a complete dick!"

Company Policy

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

On the first morning of his honeymoon, Harry surprises his new bride with breakfast in bed.

He puts down a tray with a plate of bacon, eggs, mushrooms and sausages, fresh orange juice, a rack of toast, and a nice pot of tea.

"What do you think?" asks Harry.
"Oh, Harry: it's wonderful," his bride replies.
Harry continues, "Well, make sure you remember how it's all laid out: because this is how I want it every morning."

An engineer, a mathematician and an arts graduate are given the task of finding the height of a church steeple. A prize of £I,000 is offered for the most accurate answer.

The engineer climbs to the top of the steeple and lowers a string on a plumb-bob until it touches the ground. He then climbs down and measures the length of the string.

When it's the mathematician's turn, he lays out a reference line, measures the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and works out the height by trigonometry.

However, it's the art graduate who eventually wins the prize; he buys the vicar a beer in the local pub and asks him how high the steeple is.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night.
Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar "Bring on the God damn cat!!!"

Hangover Ratings

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?


1 Star Hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.


2 Star Hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


3 Star Hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.


4 Star Hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.


5 Star Hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

A flat- chested woman went along to her doctor to see about having her tiny breasts enlarged. Dr Harrison told her: "Every morning after your shower, rub your chest and say, Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this for several months, and amazingly it worked. She grew magnificent D-cup boobs. Then one morning she was running late and in her haste to catch the train, she realised that she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Fearing that she might lose her lovely breasts if she didn't recite the rhyme, she stood in the middle of the crowded train and said: "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

On hearing this, the man standing next to her said: "Excuse me, are you by any chance a patient of Dr Harrison?"
"Why yes," she replied. "How did you know?"
The man leaned closer, winked and whispered: "Hickory dickory dock..."

Good, Bad, Worse

Bad: You find a porn film In your son's room.Worse: You're in it.

Bad: You're son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife want's a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: You come home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: Your neighbour exercises in the nude. Bad: She weighs 18 stone.

Good; Your daughters boss raves about her work. Bad: He's a pimp.

Good: Your mother-in-law's going home. Bad: To put her house up for sale.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbours. Worse: And the local football team.

Good: Your wife buys a new black dress. Bad: For your funeral.