Jokes

A newly-married husband lays down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want. and at what time I want" he insists, "and I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go fishing, boozing and card-playing with my mates whenever I want. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride replies, "No that's fine with me: but just understand this; there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're around or not."

Life And A Can Of Beer

When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- -your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff".

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Sherlock Holmes is walking through a park with Dr Watson, when they spot three women all eating bananas. Holmes says: "See there, Watson, a spinster, a prostitute and a new bride."

"Heavens!" replies Watson. "How the devil did you deduce that?"

"Observe their banana eating habits" says Holmes. "You'll see that the spinster breaks her banana into pieces before placing them in her mouth. The prostitute holds her banana with both hands and eats it whole, while the new bride swallows hers while slapping the back of her head with her free hand."

Ways to be offensive at a funeral

Tell the widow she looks horny in black.
Take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
Drive behind the hearse and keep honking your horn.
Ask someone to take a snap of you shaking hands with the deceased.
Go around telling people you've seen the will, and they're not in it.
Put a whoopee cushion on the widow's chair.
Put a hard boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Use the deceased's tongue to lick a postage stamp.
Climb on the headstone to get a better view.
Take a flower from the wreath for a buttonhole.
Whenever the widow cries, blow a raspberry every time she wipes her nose.
Toss a handful of cooked rice onto the deceased, scream "Maggots, Maggots! and pretend to faint.
Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love to you.
Slip plastic vampire teeth into the deceased's mouth.

A missionary, is sent to spread the good word in deepest Africa. After two weeks he's finding it difficult as none of the tribes want to listen and he is shunned at every turn. Finally he meets a tribal king who speaks broken-English and gets on well with him and his people.

The king tells the missionary that he has seen pictures of kings and queens sitting on thrones, and tells him that if he can get him a golden throne, he will be happy to allow him to convert his people to the ways of the lord.

The missionary is over the moon, he contacts the Home Mission Board and a week later a golden throne arrives, the king is elated and he lets the missionary convert his people.

As the years pass the king begins to suffer from arthritis and he decides that his hard golden throne is only making it worse, so with great reluctance he decides to stash the throne in the loft of his grass shack.

The trouble was, one day the throne came crashing through the ceiling and squashed the king to death.

Which only goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.

The Wisdom of Children - Exam Howlers: Geography:

A Fjord is a Scandinavian car

The people of Japan ride about in jigsaws.

The eastern part of Asia is called Euthanasia.

People go about Venice in gorgonzolas.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called mosquitoes.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

Climate lasts a long time, but the weather is only a few days.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

The Tropic of Cancer is a rare and dangerous disease.

The Matterhorn was a horn blown by the ancients when anything was a matter.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

Equinox is a country near the Panama canal.

The Climate is hotter next to the creator.

Floods from Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

The four seasons are salt, pepper mustard and vinegar.

Words of Wisdom

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationary.

Advent calendars: their days are numbered.

Friendship is like incontinence: everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.

Wrestlers don't like to be put on hold.

When travelling between Russia and Alaska, you must first get your Bering Strait.

Opening a new funeral parlour can be quite an undertaking.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

If we don't conserve water, we could go from one ex-stream to the other.

Never lie to an X-ray technician. He will see right through you.

A young man and woman had been in a relationship for three months.
One Friday night they met in a bar after work, had a couple of drinks then went to grab something to eat at a local restaurant. They ate, went back to his house and she stayed over.

Her Story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought that it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say much about it. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate to talk. We went to this restaurant and he was still a bit strange.

I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't seem to make any difference. I asked him if the problem was me, but he said that it wasn't. In the cab back to his house, I told him that I loved him, but he just put his arm round me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because he didn't say he loved me in return.

By the time we got to his place, I actually wondered if he was going to dump me. I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I told him that I was going to bed. After ten minutes he joined me and we made love.

But he still seemed really distracted and afterwards I just wanted to leave. I really don't know what he thinks any more. I wonder if he's met someone else.

His Story:

Bad day at work, but at least I got laid.

The Wisdom of Children - Exam Howlers: History:

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics.

And Sir Francis Drake said: "Let the Armada wait, my bowels can't."

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery.

Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign.

Suffragettes were the things Germans shot under water to kill the British in the First World War.

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.

Queen Elizabeth knitted Sir Walter Raleigh on the deck.

The French Revolution was caused by overcharging taxis.