Jokes

After examining a male patient, a doctor took the man's wife to one side. "I must be honest with you" said the doctor in an ominous tone, I don't like the look of your husband."

"Me neither" said the wife. "But he brings home a good wage and he's great with the kids."


A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in church he was a real fire-and-brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him whenever he preached. "Ah" he said. "That's my altar ego coming out."

Backpacking in Australia, a young Englishman found himself with time to kill in a remote outback town before the next leg of his journey. With two hours until his bus was due, he decided to call into the town's only hotel for a beer and something to eat.

As he walked in, every head at the bar turned to stare at him. The silence was deafening until one of the regulars stood up and announced: "I hope you're not a pervert, because perverts aren't welcome in this town."

"No" said the young man, "I assure you I'm not. I'm just waiting for my bus."

He ordered a beer and a burger, and after his meal needed to use the toilet, particularly with the prospect of a seven hour bus ride ahead. So he asked the bartender where the toilet was.

" The dunny's out the back" growled the bartender, "and don't make a mess!"

Once outside, the young man was horrified to see that the toilets were nothing more than two pits piled high with festering poop. One pile was six feet high, the other four feet high. Bracing himself, he climbed to the top of the smallest pile and did his business. As he climbed down, the guy from the bar appeared and grabbed the young man by the throat.

"I knew you were a pervert!" he snarled. "You were in the ladies!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

John and Bob were discussing their married lives. Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. John said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.” “Wow!" said Bob, “how did you manage that?” “It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

A blokes wife passes out in a drunken stupor after her birthday party.
He carries her up to the bedroom and lays her on the bed.

Seeing an opportunity for a bit of fun, he draws rain clouds and the words Saturday and Sunday on her face in permanent marker.

She didn't see the funny side when she woke up though, she was walking around with a face like a wet weekend.


Never take your Nasal decongestant to the capital of Iceland.
It'll Wreck Your Vick.

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven. St Peter approaches her and says, "Hillary, I know you're somebody down on Earth, but up here you're just another person and I'm swamped right now. So have a seat and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Hillary sits down and begins looking around. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see, and on the wall there are millions and millions of clocks.

She can't help noticing that on occasions some of the clocks jump ahead 15 minutes. When St Peter returns she asks, "What's the deal with the clocks.?"

St Peter replies, "There's a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth." Hillary asks, "What does it mean when the clocks jump ahead 15 minutes?"

St Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery.

"Well, is my husbands clock on the wall? asks Hillary.

St Peter replies, "Hell no. God has it in his office and is using it as an electric fan!"

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.


Giving Cats Pills

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

Housing - Extracts From (Supposedly Genuine) Letters to Landlords.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I want some repairs done to my stove, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

Our kitchen floor is very damp; we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it?

The toilet seat is cracked; where do I stand?

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men round with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

The lavatory is blocked; this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

The man next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

A bloke robbed a urine bank with no security. It was a pisstake for him.

I found an alien in my freezer pleasuring himself. "Don't worry" he said. "I come in Peas."

Having lunch in a nice restaurant a man decides to have liquidised rosemary and sage as a starter. When he finishes he calls the waiter over and says: "That was simply soup herb."

To try and solve a recruitment crisis, the chief of staff of the US air force decided to invite all the local young men and woman along to an open day at an Arkansas airfield. As he and his staff were standing near to a brand new jet fighter plane, two brothers walked over to them.

"Addressing the first brother, the chief of staff said, Hi, there, tell me son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man replied: "I pilot."
"Great!" enthused the chief of staff, "You're just what we're looking for. Go with a member of my staff and complete the paperwork."

The chief of staff turned to the other brother and asked, "So what skills do you bring to the Air force?"
"I chop wood" he replied.
"Sorry son," said the chief of staff. "We don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. Is there anything else you can do?"
"I chop wood" repeated the young man.
"Son, you're not listening to me. We don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, not in the twenty-first century."
"But you hired my brother" protested the young man.
"Of course we did. He's a pilot."
"Well, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Preparing for her wedding, a young woman asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and to place it carefully in her suitcase so that it wouldn't wrinkle.

Unfortunately the mother forgot all about it until the last minute, and by that time all she could find was a short pink nightdress. Thinking that it was better than nothing she bought it and hurriedly threw it into her daughter's suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom went back to their hotel room. He was rather shy, so he asked her to change in the bathroom and not to look while he got ready for bed.

In the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the nightdress her mother had thrown in there.
"Oh no!" she exclaimed. "It's short, pink and wrinkled!"
And the groom cried out: "I told you not to look!"