Jokes

A Guide to International Dating

English women
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope her passionately.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

Irish women
First date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Third date: You boyh get blind drunk and have sex.

Italian women
First date: You take her to the theatre and an expensive restaurant.
Second date: You meet her parents.
Third date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a twenty-carat ring.

Romanian women
First date: You have great sex and she admires your physique.
Second date: You have great sex and she admires your passport photo.
Third date: You are too busy looking for your missing passport.

Jewish women
First date: You get head.
Second date: You get even better head.
Third date: You tell her you'll marry her, and never get head again.

Chinese women
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner, but still nothing happens.
Third date: You don't bother with the third date.

Indian women
First date: You meet her parents.
Second date: You set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

Mexican women
First date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila and have sex in the back of her car.
Second date: She's pregnant.
Third date: She moves in. A week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her three cousins, her sisters boyfriend and his five kids also move in.

A husband and wife were driving along the highway doing fifty miles an hour when she suddenly announced: "I know we've been married for seventeen years but I want a divorce."

The husband said nothing but slowly increased the car's speed to sixty miles an hour.

His wife continued: "I don't want you trying to talk me out of it, I've made my decision. If you must know, I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband said nothing, but increased the speed to sixty-five miles an hour.

His wife demanded: "I want the house; it's the least I deserve after giving up my career for you." The husband remained silent but accelerated to seventy miles an hour.

"I want the kids too" she added. He put his foot down and they were hitting eighty miles an hour.

"And" she went on, "I want the car, the yacht, the bank account, and another $100,000 spending money."

He accelerated further and gradually started to steer the car towards a concrete bridge as she enquired: "Is there anything you want?"

Finally he spoke. "No thanks" he replied. "I've got everything I need."
"What's that then?" she sneered.
Just before they hit the bridge at ninety miles an hour, he replied:
"I've got the airbag, bitch!"

A Red Indian comes across a pretty young tourist whose car has run out of gas in the Nevada desert.

The handsome brave offers to give her a lift to the nearest gas station on the back of his horse. On she climbs and they set off.

She was intrigued at his continual habit of letting out loud crazy "Whoopees! as they rode along, and thought it could only be a traditional Indian custom.

Reaching the gas station, she climbed down and the Indian rode away like the wind, shouting "Whee!...Yahoo!...Whoopee! at the top of his voice.

"He seemed pretty happy" said the gas station attendant. "What did you do?

"Nothing" she replied. "I simply rode behind him with my arms round his waist hanging on to his saddle horn.

The attendant replied, "Don't you know Indians ride bareback, young lady?"

Southern USA - English translator

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow"
Usage: "My brother bard my pick-up truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pick-up truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pick-up truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pick-up truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjah puts all in my pick-up truck."

TARRED - adjective. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just ran round the block, and boy my legs are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed....must be from some farn country."

EAR - noun. A colourless, odourless gas.
Usage: "He can't breathe...give him some ear!"

For a large function in the officer's mess at an RAF base, the guard at the entrance barrier was a young airman who had only recently been posted there.

Aware that the airman was unfamiliar with most of the personnel, his sergeant ordered him to be extra vigilant and not to let any vehicle pass through the barrier unless it had a special sticker on the windscreen.

All went smoothly until a staff car drew up with an air vice-marshal sitting in the back. "Halt! Who goes there? barked the young airman.
"Air Vice-Marshal Whittington-Smythe" replied the driver.

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through, you don't have a special pass on your windscreen." "Absolute poppycock!" bellowed the AVM in the back seat. "Carry on driver!"

"You can't" argued the young airman. "I have orders to shoot anyone who tries to get in without a pass."

The impatient AVM repeated his order to drive on, at which point the young airman went up to the car's window and said to the AVM, "Excuse me sir, but I'm new to this sort of thing. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

The Truth About Diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Comic Dictionary - A

Absentee - A missing golf peg.

Accordion - A bagpipe with pleats.

Account - A man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did.

Adamant - The very first insect.

Adorn - What comes after the darkest hour.

Adult - Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.

Advertising - Makes you think you've longed all your life for something you've never even heard of before.

Afternoon -The part of the day spent working out how you wasted the morning.

Airhead - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a traffic cop.

Alarms - What an octopus is.

Alcohol - A liquid good for preserving almost anything except secrets.

Alimony - The cost of loving.

Amnesia - A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again

Announce - One-sixteenth of a pound.

Appellate - Hamster food.

Archaeologist - Someone who's career is in ruins.

Architect - One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Archive - Where Noah kept his bees.

Aromatic - Auto pilot for archers.

Arraign - Stormy weather.

Autobiography - A cars log book.

Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and downs people.

Autopsy - A dying practice.

Comic Dictionary - B

Baby - A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Bachelor - A man who prefers to ball without the chain.

Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria.

Balderdash - A rapidly receding hairline.

Baloney - Where some hemlines fall.

Baseball - 12 minutes of excitement crammed into 2 and a half hours.

Book - A utensil used to pass the time while waiting for the computer repairman.

Bookmaker - A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.

Bore - A man who, when asked how he is, tells you.

Broadband - A musical group of female gender.

Budget - A family's attempt to live below its yearnings.

Businessman - One who talks golf all morning at the office and business all afternoon on the links.

There are no dogs allowed here

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Are the pilots flying blind?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"