Jokes

Little Billy was famous for his rectal prowess, but it was starting to disrupt classes, so the teacher called him back after school to discuss the problem with him.

She began asking him why he kept breaking wind all the time when he knew it offended many people.

"Well miss, it's because I'm the best and I'm really proud of myself. I want to share my gift with the world"

"So, in that case" his teacher replied, "if I can do it better than you, will you please stop doing it in the classroom?

Little Billy said he surely would, mainly because he didn't think she would be able to do it better than him.

So the teacher set up the test: she placed two pieces of paper covered in chalk dust on the floor, the idea being to blow as much dust as possible from the paper.

Little Billy steps forward first, drops his trousers and pants and crouches down over the paper. He lets rip his best effort and it clears most of the chalk dust from the page.

The teacher steps up hitches up her skirt, drops her knickers and squats over her piece of paper. She lets fly a huge blast that completely clears the chalk dust and blows the paper across the room.

Little Billy is really impressed and asks her if she can repeat the feat.
Feeling flattered, she agrees to do it once again. As she crouches down Little Billy takes a peek up her skirt. "Hey miss, that's not fair" he says. "No wonder you won. Yours is double-barrelled."

An old rancher marries a young wife, hoping she can help with the hard work, but it's soon clear that they need more help, so they hire a strapping young cowboy to help around the place.

After a month the rancher's wife says to her husband, "Hank's worked so hard, I think he deserves a night off. Lets tell him he can ride into town, and I'll wait up for him when he gets back."

Her husband agrees, and the elated Hank rides into town. When he gets back, the rancher's wife is sitting in the kitchen waiting for him.

"Come in Hank" she says. "Now I want you to take off my shoes."
"Yes Ma'am" says Hank, and he takes off her button boots.
"Very good Hank. Now take off my skirt." Hank slips off her skirt.
"Now Hank, take off my stockings and my corset. Hank takes them off. "

"And finally Hank, I want you to take off my panties." Hank slips them off. "Very good Hank. Now if I ever catch you wearing my clothes to town again, you're fired!"

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


So, Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer, just don't get any ideas."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A good looking young man walks into a pharmacy owned by a couple of spinsters.

"This is very embarrassing" says the man, "but I have a problem with my penis; it never gets soft, even after making love for hours at a time. It never seems to go down. It's insatiable. Can you give me anything for it?"

The spinsters go in the back of the shop and have a muttered conversation. Eventually they come back to the counter. One says, "The best we can offer you is £500 a week, and a third interest in the store."

A guys girlfriend phones him and says "Fancy a meal and a movie tonight?" "Sure" he replies, "Drop them off about 7 o'clock.

What's the difference between an unlucky mouse and a lucky cock?
Nothing - they both end up inside a satisfied pussy.

Why is a one-night stand like a newsflash? It's unexpected, brief and probably a disaster.

Barack Obama flew to London to meet David Cameron. Halfway through the motorcade along the streets of the capital, Obama leaned over to Cameron and whispered: "I desperately need a pee."

"No problem," said Cameron who instantly relayed instructions in the drivers ear. Seconds later, the car drew to a halt outside an impressive building and Cameron led Obama inside.

The interior of the building featured a huge marble hall with an ornate fountain and beautiful tapestries hanging on the walls.

"Where's the toilet?" asked Obama.
"Just go right here" advised Cameron.

So Obama unzipped himself and peed all over the marble floor, and Cameron did likewise. Then both men washed their hands in the fountain before drying them on the tapestries.

"This is a magnificent place" said Obama. "What do we do now?"
"Anything you like" replied Cameron. "It's the French Embassy."

If men had a vagina for a day they would:

1. Wonder what the little pink button next to it does.
2. Lie in bed all morning with a hand mirror.
3. Get up and go shopping for cucumbers.
4. Go to church and pray for breasts as well.
5. Secretly worry about whether it was bigger than everybody else's.
6. Lie in bed all afternoon with a home video camera.
7. Finally find that damn g-spot that all the fuss is about.
8. Get picked up in a bar without even trying.
9. Have an orgasm - then have another one without needing a nap first.
10. Repeat Number 9.

One day a lion was walking around the jungle, sad, lonely, and bored stiff, when he spotted a monkey high up in tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared.

So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up, 'I'll come down."

The lion tied himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking. The lion said, "Hey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."

"I know" replied the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking." "Why are you shaking then?" asked the lion. "It's the excitement, explains the monkey. "I've never shagged a lion before."

A Yorkshire farmer goes to his doctor and says, "I'm reet worried about me wife. Yesterday morning she got up at four and fed t'chickens and milked t'cows. Then she ploughed three fields, med me breakfast and spent an hour repairing t'pigsty. After that she got in two tons of potatoes and mended t'fence on t'bottom field. Then she comes in, lies on t'bed and says she's too tired to do owt else.
Have you got a tonic I could give her?"