Jokes

A drunk stumbles out of a pub. He really needs to pee, so he makes his way into a nearby cemetery. He walks to the edge of a freshly dug grave, unzips his fly, then loses his balance and falls in.

The drunk-being too short to climb out- spends the next few hours shouting for help. "I'm cold!" he cries. "Someone help me! It's freezing in here!"

At closing time, another drunk staggers out of the pub and makes his way to the cemetery, to have a pee. He hears the racket the other drunk is making and goes to investigate.

Making his way to the graves edge, the first drunk looks up and shouts, "Give us a hand mate. It's freezing in here." The second drunk peers down at him and says, "No wonder you're cold, you stupid git. You've gone and kicked all the dirt off."

Little Jimmy is standing in front of the class reading out an essay.

"I had to write about something that was unusual" he begins. "and yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds running after each other. One of the dogs stopped suddenly and the one behind was going so fast it rammed its head right up the other's ass..."

"Jimmy" says the teacher, "we don't use the word ass in the classroom; we say rectum."

Jimmy replies, "Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed 'em."

A man walks into an expensive restaurant with four beautiful women and a chicken in a cage. He then orders a sumptuous meal for himself and his female companions and two gallons of rice pudding for the chicken.

The courses arrive and the man and the women tuck in, as does the chicken, which proceeds to devour the rice pudding at an alarming rate.

The meal continues, and the waiter is asked to bring another two gallons of rice pudding for the chicken, followed by a bucket of oats. The chicken eats non-stop while the man watches it with a depressed look on his face.Finally the head waiter comes to present the bill.

"I can't help asking sir, but where did you acquire such an extraordinary chicken? It's eaten non-stop for the last three hours and still appears to be hungry."

"The bird's my fault" sighs the man. One day I was polishing an old lamp when a genie flew out and granted me three wishes. I asked for a limitless supply of money, all the women I could ever want, and an insatiable cock!"

A woman walks into the dentist's, takes off her knickers and sits in the chair with a leg over each arm.

"Madam, I think there's some mistake" says the dentist, "the gynaecologist's surgery is on the next floor."

"No mistake" replies the woman, "yesterday you put in my husband's new dentures. Today I want you to take them out."

An American redneck walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a Coke." "Nah, you want a beer mate. Every night you come in, have three bears and leave."

The redneck replies, "Yeah but last night I had three beers here, then I went to the bar down the street and had ten more beers. Then I went home and blew Chunks."

The landlord replies, "Well, don't worry, it happens to the best of us."

"You don't understand" he redneck replies. "Chunks is my pit-bull!"

Sexual Terms and Definitions

Biodegradable: Likes to be humiliated by lovers of either sex.

Combination: To achieve orgasm in order of nationality.

Erectile: To be turned on by flooring.

Gaggle: Sound made by someone trying to laugh while wearing a gag.

Hamstring: What Hollywood stars do with a small rodent.

Hertz: Sadistic sex.

Liposuction A blow job.

Mathematical model: 36-24-36.

Megahertz: Really sadistic sex.

Multitude: Oral sex with lots of partners.

Mystical: A dominatrix with a feather duster.

Negligent: A man who likes to wear frilly nightwear.

Permitted: Wearing gloves while dressed as Catwoman.

Stalemate: Wife-Swapping.

Tourist Liaison: A pair of handcuffs.

Patient: "Doc, Doc, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you stupid bastard!"

A young woman was about to marry one of those elderly wealthy eccentrics who wanted a virgin bride. Since she wasn't, she visited a doctor to see if he could reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her that it would cost around £500 to do it surgically, but that there was another way that would only cost £50 and could be done straight away in his office.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, she paid the money, laid down on the consultation bed, and put her feet in the stirrups. The doctor worked on her for several minutes, then congratulated her on her forthcoming marriage and showed her to the door.

After the honeymoon, the women went back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect: the pain, the blood, everything was there. "How did you do it?" she asked.

"Very simple" he replied. "I tied your pubic hair together."

Murphy and his new bride go to the doctors. "The trouble is" explains Murphy, "the wife and I being such good Catholics, we've never had any sex education at all. We're not quite sure how to do it."

The doctor obligingly explains the ins and outs of sexual relations, but Murphy and his wife are left scratching their heads. "I'm not sure we got all that doctor" says Murphy. "Have you not got some pictures?"

The doctor gets out a handbook and shows them a series of diagrams. "No, that's not much clearer" says Murphy. "Have you got anything else?" The doctor happens to have a dirty DVD in his drawer, so he puts it into his computer and treats the couple to half an hour of hardcore viewing.

Murphy and his wife are still not happy. "It was all a bit confusing, doctor" says Murphy, "what with the arms and legs all thrashing about. Could you not make it any clearer?"

The doctor decides there's only one thing left to do. He pulls up Mrs Murphy's dress, pulls down her knickers, bends her over his desk and has it away with her. He finishes and falls back into his chair. "Was that clear enough for you?" he asks.

"Very clear: thank you doctor" replies Murphy. "I do have one question though." "What?" the doctor asks.

"How often do I have to bring her in?"

A young woman travelling home on a flight from Paris to the US turned to the priest sat next to her and said "Father, I wonder if I could ask you a favour?" "Certainly my dear" he replied.

"You see, in Paris I bought an expensive hairdryer that is well over customs limits, and I'm worried they'll confiscate it. Could you possibly carry it through customs for me - under your robes perhaps?"

"I'd love to help you" said the priest, "and I will do what I can but I must warn you: I will not lie." "Very well father. I understand, and thank you."

When they arrived at customs, she let the priest go through first. The customs official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

The priest replied: "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." Puzzled by this response, the official asked:
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

The priest said: "I have a marvellous little device designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

The official smiled knowingly and said: "Very good Father. Go through...Next!"