Jokes

A little girl asked: "Daddy, how was I born?" Her father said:

"I guess it's about time we told you, so here goes. One day Mom and Dad got together in a chat-room on MSN. Dad set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber café."

"We snuck into a secluded room, and then your Mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as Dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story, hun."

A giraffe was visiting a waterhole in Africa when he spotted a frog. "Hey" he said to the frog, "You've got no neck!"

The frog replied "Why would I need a neck like yours?"

"Well, with a neck like mine, you could enjoy life to the full. You see, when I eat something, it takes so long to go down that I can enjoy it all the way. I can savour every second. When I drink fresh water, I can feel it going from my lips to my stomach for ages. It adds a bit of extra quality to my life."

The frog replied: "You've obviously never thrown up then!"

Two guys were sitting in a bar, talking about their summer holidays.
The first said: "My wife was so excited about going to the Grand Canyon, but when she eventually saw it, her face dropped a mile. I guess it was my fault for pushing her over the edge."

My friend who lives in Liverpool just phoned to say he's had NO treat or treaters tonight....he put a sign above his door saying "JOB CENTRE"!

I scared the shit out of everyone tonight......I dressed up as a gas bill

What did the incestuous family do on Halloween? Pump Kin

What's another name for pickled bread? Dill-dough.

A bloke called a phone sex line for married people. Their was a long uncomfortable silence till the woman's voice said: "Hurry up, I need to check the casserole."

The Lone Ranger rides into town during the hottest part of the afternoon. He stops outside a saloon and tells Tonto to run in circles around his horse Silver, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on the horse while he goes in for a drink.

A couple of minutes later, a cowboy walks into the bar and says "Are you the Lone Ranger?"

"Yes I am," he replies. "Well" says the cowboy, "Did you know ya left ya Injun running?"

A computer programmer was out walking one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful Princess."

Delighted with his find, he bent down, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

He took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it and returned it again.
The frog cried out: "Look, okay, if you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one month, and do absolutely anything you want."

Again he took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it and put it back.
"What's the matter with you?" the frog asked. "I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that'll I'll stay with you for a month, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

Taking the frog from his pocket he looked at it, smiled and replied: "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for women in my life: but a talking frog - now that's cool."

How to Bathe a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG