Jokes

(07-11-2013 21:18 )SCIROCCO Wrote:  Ed Milliband.

Thats only part of the punchline. The real joke includes David Cameron and Nick Clegg too

Actual Courtroom Exchanges

Attorney: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"
Witness: "He said, Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Attorney: "So the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Witness: "Getting laid."

Attorney: "Are you sexually active?"
Witness: "No, I just lie there."

Attorney: "Can you describe the individual?"
Witness: "About medium height with a beard."
Attorney: "Was this a male or female?"
Witness: "Unless the circus was in town. I'm going with male."

Attorney: "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: "He's twenty, much like your IQ."

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By Death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Take a guess."

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God."If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God said, "That was the screen saver".

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by the highway patrol for speeding.

The driver lets down the window and the patrolman hits him across the face with his flashlight. "Ow! What was that for?" the driver asked rubbing his face. "In Texas, drivers have their licence and registration ready when I come to the window."

The driver is about to put the window back up, when the patrolman hits him again. "Ow! yells the driver. "What the hell was that for? "in Texas, when we give you a ticket, you say thank you."

The driver says thanks and quickly puts up the window. The patrolman then walks round to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger winds down the window and the patrolman hits him over the head. The passenger yells, "Ouch! why did you do that?

"I was making your wish come true"
"What wish?"
"Five yards down that road you would have turned to your buddy and said, "I wish that son of a bitch had tried that shit with me."

The Wisdom of Children: Music

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practised on an old spinster, which he kept in his attic.

A virtuoso is a musician with high morals.

Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

If people sing without music, it is called Acapulco.

The principal singer of 19th century opera was called Pre-Madonna.

Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music.

Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Refrain means don't do it.

Top 10 Reasons You Know That You're In A Cheap HMO


10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

While in Office, George W. Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for increasing every Native American's standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "yes" over 1500 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although he was vague on the details on his plan, he seemed enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "Red Brothers". At the end of his speech, the tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud president then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name given to the president. They explained "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly."

The Wisdom of Children: Science

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

A Kangaroo keeps its baby in the porch.

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

Mushrooms grow in damp places, that's why they look like umbrellas.

When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

The wind is like air, only pushier.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Louis Pasteur found a cure for Rabbis.

When you breathe you inspire, when you don't breathe you expire.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Hydrogin is made up of gin and water.

A really arrogant bloke was shagging a really arrogant bird. "God, aren't I tight baby?" she moaned. "Nope" he grunted, "just stretched."

Funny how when he is in an uncontrollable rage and not listeing to reason the Hulk is'incredible', yet when I'm like that I'm a drunk!