Jokes

A Boy gives his teacher a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

Teacher: "What's this?"
Boy: "It's a drawing of a cow eating grass."
Teacher: (Looking at the paper) "Where's the grass?"
Boy: "The cow ate it all"
Teacher: (Looking at the paper again) "Then where's the cow?"
Boy: "It left because there was no more grass."

A British pilot gets shot down behind enemy lines in World War II.
He wakes up in a German hospital, his uniform gone, with a funny feeling in his left leg.

A German doctor approaches the bed and says: "I am German, and I will treat you with the respect to which any patient is entitled. I must tell you, however, that it is quite possible we'll have to amputate your left leg."

The pilot is shocked, but manages to say, "Thank you doctor for your kindness, and for agreeing to treat me, although I am your enemy. Do you think it would be possible to send my leg back to my family in England?"

The doctor is a bit surprised by his request, but he agrees. Unfortunately, a month later, the second leg has to be removed too, and again the pilot asks the doctor to send it back to England.

Another month goes by and the doctor is forced to admit to himself that the pilot's right arm will have to be amputated very soon too. He breaks the news to him very gently, and again the pilot asks for his arm to be shipped back home to England.

The doctor complies, but on the day of the amputation, he is accompanied to the pilot's bedside by two German SS officers. The first one says: "So you are the pilot who gets his arm and legs sent to England, tell me...you're not trying to escape, are you?"

Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, 1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer;

beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner

Throw the bowl out of the window

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

A bloke stumbles home completely plastered. He spends a hour trying to get the key into the lock, with no success, when a policeman passes by.

"Is everything alright sir? the policeman asks. "I can't get the damn key in the lock, officer" slurs the bloke. The policeman helps him out with the key and starts to go on his way.

"Wait, wait" shouts the bloke, "I really appreciate it. Let me show you my house!" "No, thank you, sir, I'll just be on my way" replies the policeman. "I insist" presses the bloke' It'll only take a second, and I really want to show you."

The policeman agrees reluctantly and they go inside. They enter the living room. "There's my TV, my stereo, and all that" says the bloke.
"Very nice" says the policeman.

They go through to the kitchen. "There's my Microwave, my new fridge...pretty nice eh? "Lovely" replies the policeman. Then they enter the kids bedroom. "Those are my two baby boys" "Very nice, they look real cute, replies the policeman.

Finally they enter the main bedroom. "And that's my wife , and that's me next to her."

Alcohol Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand.

Next, it was the birthday boy's turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

Reasons why its great to be a man

1. People never glance at your chest, while you're talking too them.
2. You can wear the same pair of boxer shorts for a week.
3. Phone calls are over in 30 seconds flat.
4. Facial hair can be attractive.
5. Women almost expect you to belch.
6. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
7. Not liking someone does not eliminate having great sex with them.
8. You can buy condoms, without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
9. A weeks vacation requires only one suitcase.
10. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
11. Your ass is never a factor, in a job interview.
12. All your orgasms are real.
13. You can kill your own food.
14. You never have to clean the toilet.
15. You can be showered and ready in ten minutes
16. You don't have to shave below the neck.
17. You can write your name in the snow.
18. Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk in the room.
19. The world is your urinal
20. You can sit with your knees apart.

The Wisdom of Children: Exam Howlers - History.

William Tell invented the telephone.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

Homer wrote the oddity.

The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve opossums.

The Romans were so-called because they never stayed long in one place.

David was a Hebrew king, skilled at playing the liar.

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

A gladiator is something that keeps a room warm.

Louis XVI was gelatined.

Queen Eliazbeth 1 never had any peace of mind because Mary Queen of Scots was always Hoovering in the background.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.

The Male Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

You see a gorgeous woman at a party. You could go over to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, so what about it? That's DIRECT MARKETING

You could give your best friend £10 so he goes over to her and says
"Hello, see my friend over there? He's great in bed, so what about it?"
That's ADVERTISING.

She could come over to you and say, "Hello, I've heard you're great in bed, so what about it?" That's BRAND RECOGNITION.

You could go over to her and get her telephone number. Then the next day you could call her and say, "Hello, I'm great in bed, so what about it?" That's TELEMARKETING.

You could walk over to her, pour her a drink and say "may I?". You could then reach up to straighten her hair, at the same time brushing your groin against her leg, and say, "Hello I'm great in bed so what about it?". That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.

You could talk her into going home with your friend. That's a SALES REP.

Your friend might not be able to satisfy her, so she could then text you. That's TECH SUPPORT.

You could leave the party and on your way home realise that there are probably many beautiful women in the houses you're passing. So you could shout at the top of your voice, "I'm great in bed."
That's JUNK MAIL.