Jokes

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving

"Just reach in and grab the giblets."

"Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

"I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"

"Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

"Talk about a HUGE breast!"

"And he forces his way into the end zone!"

"She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."

"It's cool whip time!"

"If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

"It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."

What a woman says and what she really means:

"We need" MEANS "I want."

"Do what you want" MEANS "You'll pay for this later."

"I heard a noise" MEANS "I noticed you were nearly asleep."

"Do you love me" MEANS "I'm going to ask for something expensive."

"We need to talk MEANS "I need to complain."

"You're attentive tonight MEANS "Is sex all you ever think about."

"Be romantic, turn out the lights MEANS "I think I'm putting on weight"

"This kitchen floor is so hard to clean" MEANS "I want a new house."

"Is my butt fat?" MEANS "Tell me I'm beautiful."

"Do I look really fat in this dress MEANS "We haven't had a fight for a while.

"No, pizza's fine MEANS "You tight-fisted slob."

"I see you more as a brother MEANS "You have the sexual allure of a sea slug."

"Hang the picture here" MEANS "Hang the picture here."

"How much do you love me?" MEANS "I did something today you're not going to like."

"I'll be ready in a minute" MEANS "I'll be ready in an hour."

"I don't know, what do you want to do?" MEANS "I can't believe you have nothing planned."

Star Wars Jokes

You Know You're a Hick Jedi When...

- You ever heard the phrase, *May the force be with y*all.*

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookies are offended by your B.O.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn*t have to wait for a commercial.

- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

- Your father has ever said to you, *Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it*ll be a hoot.*

- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

- You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

- Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

- If you hear . . . *Luke, I am your father...and your uncle*

I visited my local dairy farmer yesterday. He said he had a favour to ask of me, and then said "Oh, you're looking really well by the way." The crawler, he always trying to bloody butter me up!"

A blokes wife says "It's a really turns me on to watch you pleasure yourself" So he cracks open a can of beer, and puts Match of The Day on.

Actual Airline Announcements

Weather at our destination is fifty degrees, with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Your seat cushions can be used for floatation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate.

Thank you for flying with us. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane...

Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

One evening a man looks out of his window and sees that burglars are in his garage. He rings the police, but they tell him they don't have a car in the area.

The man hangs up. counts to thirty and rings the police again "Hello" he says. "I rang a few seconds ago about the burglars in my garage. Well you don't have to worry now - I've just shot them all."

Within five minutes there are half a dozen police cars outside his house and they catch the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen approaches the man and says, "I thought you said you'd shot them." The man replies, "And I thought you said there was no one available!"

What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

A Scotsman is telling his best mate in the pub, how he's into heavy S&M, and that he likes nothing more than being beaten up by a vicious woman whilst naked and vulnerable, and that he visits brothels for it several times a week.

"Christ, that must cost you a fortune" he friend enquires.

"Not a penny" he replies. "I just book a normal service, shag the arse off her, then tell her I haven't any money."

Bad Things About A Time Share With Darth Vadar

The #1 Bad Thing About Having A Summer Time Share With Darth Vader:

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

How Golf Is Like Urinating in a Public Toilet

Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

Form a loose grip.

Keep your head down.

Avoid a quick backswing.

Stay out of the water.

Try not to hit anyone.

If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

Be quiet while others are about to go.

Keep strokes to a minimum.