Jokes

An old lady buys a parrot, but if refuses to say a word. Three years pass and the parrot remains silent until, one day, the old lady gives it an apple.

"Oh my god!" shouts the parrot. "There's a bloody maggot in it!!

"Good heavens", says the old lady. "All these years without speaking. Why have you started now?"

"Well," replies the parrot. "Until today the food has been quiet passable"

Get off the F***ing road rabbit!

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VIZ BEST EVER TOP TIPS
EVER wondered how to get free grapes at the supermarket - or avoid having to buy your girl a birthday present?

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.

CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.

ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.

TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.

AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence.

TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.

WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place.

YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.

FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.

HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.

FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

- Make racing car noises when anyone gets on or off.

- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

- Sell Girl Scout cookies.

- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

- Shave.

- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

- Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

- One word: Flatulence!

- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

- Do Tai Chi exercises.

- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and announce: "I've got new socks on!"

- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

- Give religious tracts to each passenger.

- Meow occassionally.

- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "0ops!"

- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

- Holler "Chocks away!" whenever the elevator descends.

- Walk on with a box that says "human head" on the side.

- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holier "Bad touch!"

- Leave a box between the doors.

- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

- Start a sing-along.

- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

- Play the harmonica.

- Shadow box.

- Say "Ding!" at each floor.

- Lean against the button panel.

- Say " wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to other passengers that this is your "personal space."

- Bring a chair along.

- Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muhmouf?"

- Blow spit bubbles.

- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

- Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

- Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

- Scatter powertools around your feet and scream into a radio, "I'M NOT FINISHED YET! THE CABLE ONLY HAS ONE SCREW!!!"

A husband and wife in their late twenties were on holiday in Spain at the same hotel as an attractive blonde. The husband was flirting with the blonde, much to his wife's annoyance.

One day while sat around the hotel pool watching the kids splashing around the blonde remarks "I love kids."

"We'll get on really well then" replies the husband.
"Why?" asked the blonde. "Is it because you have children?"
"No" says the wife. "It's because he's hung like a four year-old."

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. OTHER WOMEN!

A man went to his doctor and asked for an urgent prescription of Viagra. The doctor said: "Very well, but remember it takes at least half an hour before it becomes effective."

"That's no good" said the man. "She'll probably have wriggled free by then."

London Olympics 2012 - With the games held in the East End of London, a dossier has come to light showing a number of events that were to be altered to reflect the local population.

Opening Ceremony
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and track suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

Men's 100 Metres
Competitors will hold a Blu-ray player and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage ten metres behind the athletes.

Women's 100 Metres
All competitors are to run in short skirts and white stilettos.

Fencing
Entrants will be required to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in five minutes.

Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include breaking and entering, arson, and joyriding.

Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a bank teller or security guard.

Boxing
The Boxing competition will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 14 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he comes home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the university bicycle shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by an unsuspecting student on his first trip away from home - all against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.

Swimming
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels in the hope of finding one that can support human life.

Men's 50km Walk
Unfortunately this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the saftety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially someone that appears to be mincing

The Closing Ceremony
Following a display of synchronized rock throwing, the Olympic Flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon. After the games, the stadium itself will be boarded up and used only by local entrepreneurs wishing to remove the copper piping.

Ways To Annoy People Next To You On A Flight

Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"

Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.

Call the stewardess "nurse".

Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."

Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o.

Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."

Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.

Continually offer to share your "Beano".

Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.

Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.

Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!"

Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.

Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".

Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.

Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.

Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."

Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.

Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."

Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"