Jokes

Things NOT to say in childbirth:

Gosh, you're lucky. I wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

Do you think the baby will come before Monday night's football starts.

If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing football.

That was the kids on phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

Stop your swearing and just breathe.

Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

Good, Bad, Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do...

Computer Viruses

Fern Britton Virus: Your 1.3gb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 1.3gb.

Pantomime Virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose Abort.

Dr Harold Shipman Virus: Deletes your old files.

Air Luggage Virus: You're in London, but your data is in Singapore.

Bill Clinton Virus: It has a six-inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.

Child Virus: It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Car Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for £450.

Russell Brand Virus: One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes four-letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard dive. Very Popular.

Mum Virus: Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website.

Sharon Stone Virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Definitions

Bum: (bum) n.

Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.

Male: The organ of mooning (and farting)

Commitment: (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Communication: (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner.

Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Entertainment: (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert. play or book.

Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence: (flach-u-lens)

Female: An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Remote Control: (ri-mote kon-throl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male: A device for scanning through 75 channels every two and a half minutes.

Taste: (tayst) v.

Female: something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking.

Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Thingy: (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's bonnet.

Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vunerable: (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male: Playing cricket without a box.

Wants and Needs: (wontz and nedz) n.

Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical, and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.

Male: Food, sex, and beer.

Salespeak

New: Different colour from previous design.

Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.

Advanced Design: The Advertising Agency doesn't understand it.

Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

Years of development: We finally got one that works.

Revolutionary: It's different from our competitors.

Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.

Improved: Didn't work the first time.

Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.

Redesigned: Previous faults corrected, we hope.

Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.

Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.

Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.

New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.

Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.

Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"