Jokes

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."


Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.

A Catholic boy was lying in the road badly injured after being hit by a car outside his local church.

A passer-by ran over to him and asked "Would you like me to fetch a priest?"

The boy replied: "Can't you see I've just been hit by a car? Sex is the last thing on my mind!"

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is seriously enough.

Q: When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, butt, and even my foot have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Straight after you find out that you're pregnant.

Q: How long is the average woman in labour?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes. in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: The more heavily pregnant I get, the more strangers smile at me. Why is that?
A: Because you're fatter than them.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes pregnancy!

Q My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that some times she's crazy and irrational
A: So what's your question?

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will I begin to feel normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

A receptionist was at her desk in a hospital when an angry woman stormed up to her desk.

"Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday" she complained.

A doctor came out and tried to calm her down: "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing" he said. "Why do you think your wig was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly. It surely was not the one I came in wearing!"

"I think" explained the doctor gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

An elderly couple were on a cruise, and the weather was really rough.

They were standing at the stern of the ship watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

The crew searched for days but couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a message from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her buttocks was an oyster; in it was a pearl worth £50,000... please advise."

The old man messaged back: "Send pearl, re-bait trap."

Redneck Driver's License Application

Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed
Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

I went into the library today and screamed, "Have you got any fucking books?"

"Yes," she replied. "Kama Sutra, aisle three, top shelf."

You're No Longer A Student When...

6.a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

Mould isn't growing in the bottom of your coffee mugs.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.

Your underwear is clean on the day instead of that month.

You know where the hoover is kept.

You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the hospital.

You know all the people sleeping in your house.

You carry an Umbrella.

You hear your favourite song in the elevator at work.

A fire in the kitchen is not something to laugh about.

You don't consider Pot Noodle to be Haute Cuisine.

You haven't worn the same jumper every day for six months.

You realise that a bottle of wine costing less than four quid isn't always the best.

Your house doesn't have sheets for curtains.

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn the music down.

Tramps aren't kindred spirits.

You always know where you are when you wake up.

You get out of bed in the morning even its raining.

You are not addicted to daytime television.

Washing up is not an annual chore.

You don't know what time the kebab shop closes.

You don't have a strange attraction to road signs when you are drunk.

A log left in the toilet is not hysterically funny.