Jokes

A man walks up to a farmer and says"have you ever shoed a horse? "The farmer thinks for a second then says, "No but I once told a pony to fuck off!"




A drunk chap walks into a library, goes to the counter and very loudly asks, “Can I have a large doner kebab and chips, please?” The bemused librarian replies, “Sir, this is a lbrary.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” Says the drunk, before whispering very, very quietly, “Can I have a large doner kebab and chips, please?”

two daughters - one blonde, one brunette - inherit their father's ranch. To keep it going they need to buy a bull to breed from, so the brunette heads into the nearest town to buy one. After buying a fine specimen she heads to the telegram office to send a telegram to get her sister to pick her and the bull up in the family truck. The telegram man says, "It's a dollar per word, what do you want sending?" Looking in her pocket she only has one dollar left. After thinking for a moment she says, "Just send the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegram man looks confused. "How will she know to collect you and the bull with just that word?" The brunette says, "She's blonde. She'll read it very slowly."

A middle-aged couple decide to spice up their sex lives by introducing some role-play into the bedroom. "Tonight, I am going to be a sexy policewoman," say the wife. Later that night, she confronts her husband in the bedroom in full uniform and says, "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed!" After a two minute sex session, the wife gets up, puts her coat on and walks to the front door. "Where are you off? I thought I was under arrest?" the bloke asks. She replies, "Well, the charges have been dropped due to a lack of evidence!"

The Reverend Michael Flapps was walking along the street one day when he saw a female member of his congregation staggering around in a drunken manor. He tried to assist her, but they stumbled and he fell on top of her.

Just then a passing police officer called out: "Hey, you can't do that in the street!"

"You don't understand" protested the man of the cloth. "I'm Pastor Flapps."

"Oh, well" said the cop. "I guess if you're that far in, you may as well finish."

Suffering from premature ejaculation, a man went to see a psychiatrist to see if he could find a solution to the problem. The psychiatrist made some suggestions, but the man returned the following week.

"Hasn't my advice worked? asked the psychiatrist.
"Actually" said the man, "I've decided I don't want to be cured after all."
"Why not?"
" I just received my phone bill. I made fifteen sex-line calls last month, and they only cost me a total of £5!"

On Christmas morning, Rudolph was having a good moan to Prancer and Dancer.

"Santa has got me the wrong Christmas present - I'm beginning to think he must be dyslexic."

"What makes you say that?" they asked.

"Because he got me a Pony Sleigh Station!"