Jokes

Sad news at the Nestle chocolate factory today, a new starter was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" Everyone just cheered!!!

A husband and wife were lying in bed. Suddenly she turned to him and said: "If you could compare me to one thing in the universe, what would it be?"

Gazing into the distance, he replied: "The sun."

"Aah, is that because I'm bright, beautiful and you couldn't live without me?"

"No" he replied. "It's because nobody can bear to look directly at you."

A husband says to his wife: "Can you hear that? No whining, moaning or complaining. Just Silence. Nothing but silence. Beautiful isn't it?"
He then places her urn back on the mantelpiece.


A man arrived home from work early to find his wife masturbating in the bedroom. "What's going on here?" he asked.
"What does it look like?" she replied dismissively.
"A yawning sea lion" he replied.

A young soldier went into a public toilet and had to use the only available urinal between two elderly men. He glanced to the left and saw one of the men peeing but noticed there were two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asked.

"War wound," replied the old man. I took a bullet in my dick in North Africa. They were able to save my dick, but they had to leave two holes."

The young soldier looked to the right and saw three streams! "What the hell is that?" he asked.

"War wound" came the reply. "Normandy, bullet in the dick, gave me two extra holes."

The two veterans then looked over at the young soldier and saw twelve streams!

"War Wound?" they chorused. "No, my zipper's stuck.

A man walked into a kebab shop and was surprised to see Santa Claus serving behind the counter. "Santa!, What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be at the North Pole preparing for the big day?" the man asked.

"I'm afraid my business has gone belly up. What with the credit crunch and the recession, the toy industry has took a hammering. I had to lay off some of the elves, the bank wouldn't give me a loan and we just lost our competitive edge. Finally the receivers came in asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"I'm really sorry to hear that" said the man. "It kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas."

"I know" replied Santa, smiling weakly. "Anyway, enough of me and my troubles. What can I get you?"

"I'll have a large Donner" said the man
"Sorry" said Santa. "We're all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?"

Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay on top of. As a humor tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, there have been many mass debates on the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings.

A common problem with sexual innuendo is the recipient being unable to wrap their hands around the intended meaning. In this case, an individual using sexual innuendo will often start slow and eventually build up, increasing depth more and more until the recipient feels the actual thrust of the point and the innuendo climaxes.

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in

Q. Where did the Egyptian Mummy go to get her back fixed?
A. The Cairo..practor!

A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”